Hole in my Chest (lyrics I think)

There’s a little hole in my chest,
And I need you to fill it
I don’t care what you use
There’s some glue in the cabinet

There’s a space in my heart,
And it shouldn’t be open
It’s spilling all over
It’s becoming a habit

You are all I need,
You hold the keys
I’d give you a ring,
If it matted but it don’t

There’s a lock on my lips,
And I need you to break it,
I don’t care what comes out
These secrets are tearing at me

There’s a knot in my stomach
And it seems to be growing,
It’s doubling me over
It’s getting worse and worse

You’re all I need
You hold all the keys
I’d give you a ring
If it mattered but it don’t

Baby

This morning I had a message from my friend Dylan on facebook. She lives in San Diego and I don’t get to see her much but she is one awesome chica and I am always happy to hear from her. She tells me that she and her husband are going to have a baby! She is 16 weeks along and couldn’t be happier. When I read her message I gasped, literally gasped, out loud. I was just so excited and thrilled for her. After I gasped and did my own personal happy dance it dawned on me that I had never been this elated to learn that anyone was pregnant before. Why was I so excited for Dylan?

I think Part of it is that she is about the 1st of my friends to get pregnant that is happily married (for several years now), at least somewhat financially ready for a baby and she planned it. It was just perfect. The way babies are supposed to be made. The 2nd part is I am so envious of her I can hardly believe it. I’m ready to be a mom. I want my own little monkey. I’m about 6 months away from 30, I’ve been married for 7 years. It’s my turn damn it!

Ok, yes, my marriage has been a little rocky for the past year and no Brian (my husband) isn’t working right now so the timing isn’t exactly perfect but Brian has been growing as a person in leaps and bounds lately and I’m really very proud of the man he is becoming. I feel closer to him than I have in a long time and it feels good, real good. I have very few doubts about Brian as a father. He has a kind heart and kids love him. I know it’s not the same but he treats our kitties like they’re his babies (you know with snuggles and kisses) I can only imagine how adorable and sweet he’d be with a real baby.

I know I’ve said in the past that I wanted to wait until I was 32 to have kids but that was mostly because that was about the same time my mom had me. I’ve spent a lot of my adult life trying to model what I do after what my mom did and it hasn’t always been the best thing for me. I really think it’s time I took a step in my own direction and started living my own life.

I are poet

I love you. I whisper
drunk on nostalgic wine
but the words sound antiquated
we’ve run out of time.

Lay with me, hold me
Let me feel your touch
My hands are cold
My lips are lonely
I’ve already lost so much

If I fall, will you catch me
If I cry, will you wipe my tears
If I go, will you miss me
Or will our love just disappear

Stuff and Things

I was just realizing I have once again let far too much time pass in between blog updates. We’re most of the way moved into our new place now. Our living room is really starting to look like a living room. The kitchen is a little smaller than I initially realized but it’s all put together now and very cute if I do say so myself.
I think this may be our cats’ favorite place so far. We have this really great open staircase that has quickly become a giant kitty jungle gym. I’m just hoping they don’t end up falling off the back side and crashing into our shelves below.
The area it’s self is adorable. We have a pub right next door that is open late with delicious food and very reasonable prices. We can walk to it and any number of cute little restaurants in the area. We’ve got a beautiful, national park right across the street from us. I haven’t had a chance to really check it out yet but I’m hoping we’ll get to take lots of nice hikes there soon.

Home Sweet Home

So we found a place. It’s not ours’ just yet. We’ve put in an application but we’re sort of in limbo. They want us to move in right away but we’d really rather wait until the end of the month. They’ve agreed to hold our application until we’re ready to move in or someone else wants to put in an application. If someone else wants to put in an app (and move in right away) then they will call us and give us the option to move in or pass on the apartment.

The nice thing is that there are actually 2 nearly identical apartments available so if someone takes the 1st one we can still hold out for the 2nd one. One apartment is slightly more expensive than the other as it apparently has brand new, stain resistant carpet. Either way they are both in our price range. I like them both about the same. The nice thing about the less expensive one is it’s on the end so we’d only have neighbors on one side.

I had such a good time looking at apartments with Brian last weekend. When we need to get something done we really make a great team. We stayed out a little late on Friday and slept in a little late on Saturday so we didn’t get a whole lot of apartment hunting done on Sat. We mostly did some drive-bys and set up some appointments to look at places on Sunday. Sunday we got up at a fairly decent hour, picked out some of our favorite places and headed out. We drove out to Milwaukie and looked at a really cute place that was just a little too small and only had one bathroom.

I’ve really gotten to be spoiled having my own bathroom to get ready in the morning. The next place we looked at was in Oregon city. The area was cute but the duplex was also a little small and smelled a lot like dog. It was a big fat no. After that we went to a place in Happy Valley. It was actually very cute and just big enough to fit us. It’s really close to my work so I think both Brian and I were starting to think it might be the one but we still had a few more we wanted to check out.

I had found one place on craigslist that I really liked. I had even driven by it the week before but I hadn’t been able to get a hold of anyone. I had called and left them a voice mail on both Saturday and Sunday and was beginning to fear that it had already been rented. As we got in the car in happy valley at 3:40 my elusive apartment called and asked if we could come over right away and check out the place. I was so excited I could hardly contain myself.

We drove to West Linn to meet them. The cutest little Portland Hipster couple pulled up in a little red Honda Insight and got out. He was very nice and she was just sweet as can be. (personally I think she looked like Mandy Moore). We walked up to the apartment and I was sure after a day of disappointment that this would be another. The apartment complex was small and old (built in 1950) but at the same time very cute and funky.

I kept thinking they could be awesome little town houses but only if someone had taking good care of the inside. When we walked in I could hardly contain myself. The carpets looked brand new. The windows also appeared to be new and there was a brand new deck built out back. The living room was just the perfect size to fit our giant TV and the kitchen was open to the living room so I could watch TV while I cooked. The upstairs bedrooms were certainly big enough and well I could go on and on. Sure, the whole place could be just a little bigger but I think it’ll fit us just fine.

Plans

It’s funny how life can catch you off guard. The last year of my life has been one failed mission after another. Every time I think I see the path I stumble and find myself completely lost again. When I was 21 and engaged to marry my husband I thought I had it all planned out. We were gonna go here and do this and go there and do that and when we were done, we’d be this. It doesn’t seem that long ago but at the same time I feel worlds away from that girl. It seems ridicules now to have assumed I could draw a line from point A to point B and have it all turn out just as I planned.

About this time last year we were getting ready to leave Los Angeles for southern Oregon. At the time Brian and I were living in different states and he had a health scare that had left me so desperate to get to his side that I didn’t have time to think about how truly devastated I was to be leaving L.A. Now I know my heart broke when I left that city. I loved it there more than I had every really admitted to myself. I made friends there like I hadn’t had in years and I miss them so much it chokes me up if I think about it for too long. As much drama as it could be I LOVED my job in L.A. I loved working downtown Hollywood right on Sunset Blvd. I loved driving by all the studios on my way home from work and then catching a glimpse of a coyote as I cut through Griffith Park. I was happy and successful and proud.

Returning to Oregon and ultimately taking a job as an Administrative assistant The hardest realization for me to deal with was the fact that I was and still am very angry with my husband for well letting me down. I feel like I have given him everything. Like my life for the past 7 years was devoted to making his dreams come true and now that those dreams have lost their momentum I feel betrayed. I feel like I’ve let all my dreams fall by the wayside and now I don’t even know who I am anymore. I find myself doing desperate, crazy things to feel like a whole person again.

On my dark days I feel like my husband and I are doomed. I think how could he possible understand how I feel. I think he’ll never understand me and doesn’t really know me anymore. But then I have days where I think about our wedding. I remember holding hands, looking in each other’s eyes, both of us singing Come What May at the top of our lungs. If you were there I’m sure you remember. I’ll never forget as the song finished I turned to the crowd to see my bridesmaids all choked up. It totally caught me off guard. I’d forgotten for a moment that there was anyone else in the world but the two of us. Maybe that was a long time ago and things have changed but every now and then we’ll hop in the car and Brian will put in that Moulin Rouge soundtrack and we’ll sing it together just like we did that day and it still feels the same.

When you’re 21 I think logically you know how complicated and cruel life can be but you’re still fooling yourself into believing that you’re in control of it all. I heard once the best way to make God laugh is to tell him your plans.

Not so soft

I haven’t done a lot of blogging lately. I couldn’t tell you exactly why. I’ve certainly had enough on my mind. I’ve been in Portland for about 4 months now. I’ll be coming up on my 90 day review at work here in just a few weeks. I’m excited to be nearly through my probationary period. I hope to soon really feel like I’m part of the team. I like my co-workers quite a bit. Della is hilarious. She’s all kinds of boisterous and moderately inappropriate. I like her a lot. Nancy is also pretty kick ass. She’s a real New Yorker and has no problem using the word fuck. And then there’s Brandy. Um, well she cool or whatever I guess.

As great as the girls are I sure do miss my LARS crew. Truth be told I’ve never worked with such an awesome crowd of misfits as I did at LARS and I think of them every day. Sometimes I really do wish I could go back to L.A.

Brian and I have been living on opposite ends of the state for these past 4 months. We’re stuck in our lease down there and Brian chose to stay with the apartment instead of coming up here to stay at my sister’s with me. A very small part of me understands but I mostly feel abandoned. This is probably where Brian would say that I was the one that abandoned him but really, did I have any other option? I had to get up here so I could find a job and take care of us.

This weekend Brian is coming up so we can apartment hunt. Our lease is up at the end of this month. As it’s been taking me up to hour to get to work sometimes I am ecstatic to be moving to the east side. Also I just like it better over here. I love my sister but I can’t wait to have my own kitchen and a big comfy couch to curl up on and watch my tv. I’m hoping Brian and I can have a fresh start here. We’re a bit of a mess sometimes but I love him a lot.

Enneagram

THE HELPER
Enneagram Type Two

The Caring, Interpersonal Type:
Generous, Demonstrative, People-Pleasing, and Possessive






Type Two in Brief
Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.

Basic Fear: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved
Basic Desire: To feel loved
Enneagram Two with a One-Wing: "Servant"
Enneagram Two with a Three-Wing: "The Host/Hostess"
Key Motivations: Want to be loved, to express their feelings for others, to be needed and appreciated, to get others to respond to them, to vindicate their claims about themselves.

The Meaning of the Arrows (in brief)
When moving in their Direction of Disintegration (stress), needy Twos suddenly become aggressive and dominating at Eight. However, when moving in their Direction of Integration (growth), prideful, self-deceptive Twos become more self-nurturing and emotionally aware, like healthy Fours. For more information, click here.

Examples: Mother Teresa, Barbara Bush, Eleanor Roosevelt, Leo Buscaglia, Monica Lewinsky, Bill Cosby, Barry Manilow, Lionel Richie, Kenny G., Luciano Pavarotti, Lillian Carter, Sammy Davis, Jr., Martin Sheen, Robert Fulghum, Alan Alda, Richard Thomas, Jack Paar, Sally Jessy Raphael, Bishop Desmond Tutu, Ann Landers, "Melanie Hamilton" (Gone With the Wind). and "Dr. McCoy" (Star Trek).

Type Two Overview
We have named personality type Two The Helper because people of this type are either the most genuinely helpful to other people or, when they are less healthy they are the most highly invested in seeing themselves as helpful. Being generous and going out of their way for others makes Twos feel that theirs is the richest, most meaningful way to live. The love and concern they feel—and the genuine good they do—warms their hearts and makes them feel worthwhile. Twos are most interested in what they feel to be the “really, really good” things in life—love, closeness, sharing, family, and friendship.

Louise is a minister who shares the joy she finds in being a Two.

“I cannot imagine being another type and I would not want to be another type. I like being involved in peoples’ lives. I like feeling compassionate, caring, nurturing. I like cooking and homemaking. I like having the confidence that anyone can tell me anything about themselves and I will be able to love them….I am really proud of myself and love myself for being able to be with people where they are. I really can, and do, love people, pets, and things. And I am a great cook!”

When Twos are healthy and in balance, they really are loving, helpful, generous, and considerate. People are drawn to them like bees to honey. Healthy Twos warm others in the glow of their hearts. They enliven others with their appreciation and attention, helping people to see positive qualities in themselves that they had not previously recognized. In short, healthy Twos are the embodiment of “the good parent” that everyone wishes they had: someone who sees them as they are, understands them with immense compassion, helps and encourages with infinite patience, and is always willing to lend a hand—while knowing precisely how and when to let go. Healthy Twos open our hearts because theirs are already so open and they show us the way to be more deeply and richly human.

Louise continues:

“All of my jobs revolved around helping people. I was a teacher who wanted to be sensitive to children and help them get off to a good start. I was a religious education director in a number of parishes. I thought that if people learned about the spiritual life, they’d be happier…The most important part of my life is my spiritual life. I was in a religious community for ten years. I married a former priest, and we both have our spirituality as the basis of our life together.”

However, Twos’ inner development may be limited by their “shadow side”—pride, self-deception, the tendency to become over-involved in the lives of others, and the tendency to manipulate others to get their own emotional needs met. Transformational work entails going into dark places in ourselves, and this very much goes against the grain of the Two’s personality structure, which prefers to see itself in only the most positive, glowing terms.

Perhaps the biggest obstacle facing Twos, Threes, and Fours in their inner work is having to face their underlying Center fear of worthlessness. Beneath the surface, all three types fear that they are without value in themselves, and so they must be or do something extraordinary in order to win love and acceptance from others. In the average to unhealthy Levels, Twos present a false image of being completely generous and unselfish and of not wanting any kind of pay-off for themselves, when in fact, they can have enormous expectations and unacknowledged emotional needs.

Average to unhealthy Twos seek validation of their worth by obeying their superego’s demands to sacrifice themselves for others. They believe they must always put others first and be loving and unselfish if they want to get love. The problem is that “putting others first” makes Twos secretly angry and resentful, feelings they work hard to repress or deny. Nevertheless, they eventually erupt in various ways, disrupting Twos’ relationships and revealing the inauthenticity of many of the average to unhealthy Two’s claims about themselves and the depth of their “love.”

But in the healthy range, the picture is completely different. My own (Don) maternal grandmother was an archetypal Two. During World War II, she was “Moms” to what seemed like half of Keisler Air Force Base in Biloxi, Mississippi, feeding the boys, allowing her home to be used as a “home away from home,” giving advice and consolation to anyone lonely or fearful about going to war. Although she and her husband were not wealthy and had two teenage children of their own, she cooked extra meals for the servicemen, put them up at night, and saw to it that their uniforms had all of their buttons and were well pressed. She lived until her 80’s, remembering those years as the happiest and most fulfilling of her life—probably because her healthy Two capacities were so fully and richly engaged.

It's been a long week

So I started my new job this week and boy has it been tough. I've been in training all week, mostly sitting in really uncomfortable chairs in a classroom like setting listening to some woman talk for 8 hours a day. For me that's hard work. Sometimes it's excruciating.

I'm doing what I did in L.A. (working as an admissions officer/rep) only for a much different school. In stead of teaching things like film and audio we teach Criminal justice and Medical Assisting. It's pretty interesting.

This school if far more organized and thorough than LARS or even Full Sail when it comes to training their admissions staff. They have a plan and they let you know exactly how they want you to talk to people and how to set appointment and every step of the process. They don't really leave any grey areas where you wont know what to do.

My boss scared the crap out of me. Actually she really nice and I like her a lot but she is as direct and strait forward as she can be and there is no sugar coating anything. For the most part I like that accept that she made me cry yesterday. We were doing some roll playing and I must have gotten really nervous and so she told me I was too animated, moved my shoulders too much when I talked and that I sounded too much like a valley girl and it was unprofessional.

I didn't cry then. I just sort of felt like I'd been slapped in the face. All I could think was, if that's the way she feels then why did she hire me? Is she going to fire me now?

About an hour or so later we got to take lunch and the moment I got in my car and pulled out of the parking lot I was in tears. I called Brian and he's so sweet. I told him what happened and he was furious. He just can't stand it when anyone hurts my feeling or tells me I suck. He turns into my little protector.

So when I get back from lunch I'm the first one and my boss is there eating her lunch. We start talking and I don't know if she realized I was upset or that she'd been a little harsh earlier but she started talking about all the reason she'd hired me and how she knew I'd do great. I felt a little better after that.

sooooo Hot!

I want to update you on what's been going on, especially with the abrupt end to my last blog but it's 103 degrees and we have no A/C and I can't even think. I'm just going to lay on the floor and die. I will tell you that when I was updating last week I was suddenly over come and I decided to drop everything I was doing and drive down to medford that minute to spend the weekend with Brian.

Tears for Fears

I'm often torn on the issue if whether or not it's wise to share you're most intimate thoughts on a place so publicly accessible as the Internet. My mother has always warned me against airing my dirty laundry and she has been right on many occasions. I'm not so good at keeping secrets and I've told quite a few to the wrong people, only to have it come back to bite me on the ass. Regardless, there is still something liberating in putting it all out the for the world to see. It's out in the open, for better OR worse, so deal with it.

Last night my husband and I had a fight. As you know we're separated. Not in spirit, we're still married and we've still trying to stay that way but he's in Eagle Point (southern Oregon) and I'm in Portland, which if you don't know is about as far north as you can go in Oregon.

This fight of ours, I know I instigated it. I don't think I meant to consciously but subconsciously I must have known how he'd react. I was complaining again about how I wanted him to leave our apartment in Eagle Point and come here to Portland to be with me. The whole thing is really rather complicated and fuck....I gotta go

The 4th

I think I've started to compartmentalize my life. I'm not really sure if that's a good or bad thing. More on that later.

The 4th of July was a bit of a mess this year. Brian and I had planned to meet in Dallas, Or (just west of Salem). We have some friends that live there and we were all going to go camping in Astoria, OR for the weekend. Sadly, whoever's job it was to book us a campsite failed. Our friends were determined to camp wherever they could and ended up driving up to Washington. We decided we didn't want to drive 4 and a half hours to camp so we ended up staying in Dallas, essentially house sitting for our camping friends. It wasn't so bad really. Brian and I got some nice quite time together.

We decided to Drive up to Portland on Saturday for the fireworks. We parked the car at my sister place in Beaverton and took the Max downtown. It was quite the adventure. We don't often take mass transit. I'm certainly glad we did though as downtown was a nut house.

We found a nice patch of grass on the waterfront and ate subway while we waited for the fireworks. Good times were had by all. After the fireworks we headed back to the max. When we arrived back in Beaverton we realized we'd missed the last bus to my sisters. Lucky for us it was only about a mile and a half away so we could walk. All was going well until we hit a quarter mile stretch of pitch black road with nothing but woods on either side of us. It was a little spooky. And of course right in the middle of it some sort or rat or squirrel jumped out and nearly gave us a heart attack. Brian pulled out his pocket knife so fast I could hardly believe it.

As luck would have it, we made it back safe and sound to my sister. We hopped in the car and headed back to Dallas so we could sleep on a real bed and in the morning we got up and had a fantastic breakfast at a little place called Tatters. After that I left Brian to wait for our friends to return and I headed home to Portland.

Can I interest you in some office supplies?

So I’ve been in Portland for a few weeks now, looking for work. AS you know I’ve been staying with my sister and her boyfriend. They’ve been kind enough to offer up their spare bedroom to me. I’m pretty sure I owe them for life.

Brian and I are stuck in a lease in our apartment in eagle point. Brian has opted to stay there until he can find someone to take over our lease or until the lease is up in November. So once again we are separated.

I’ve been looking for work like a mad woman. I think I mentioned in my last post, I thought for sure this was going to be easy. I have tons of admissions experience and there are tons of schools here. I just knew the first interview I went on would be a done deal. Unfortunately this was not the case.

Last week, out of desperation, I interviewed at a places called Maxis. I had a bad feeling about the place from the get go and I wasn’t surprised to learn that the job was selling office supplies door to door. Like I said, I’m desperate, so I took the job. I had to dress business professional and walk around town from business to business for close to 10 hours a day for commission only. I don’t mind a little exercise but this was ridicules. I'd have bailed the first day but my Trainer was a really awesome guy and I had a lot of fun hanging out with him so I tried to make it work.

Yesterday they told me they wanted to send me to Utah for a week and I’d be leaving Sunday morning. Well, they didn’t really tell me directly, they just mentioned in our morning meeting that they were sending a team to Utah and they rattled off my name on the list of people that were going. At first I sort of thought I’d misunderstood but later that day I asked my trainer if I’m heard correctly and he said, “Yes, aren’t you excited?” Uh, no I’m not excited. I have plans for the weekend and I just started this job. I don’t really want to go to Utah (a place I don’t care much for to begin with) with a bunch of people I don’t know. Especially when so few details have been supplied to me, such as where I’ll be staying, who is paying for this, what I will be doing while I’m there, etc.

To top it all off, the whole place is just a little too cult like for my taste. Every morning we get to the office at 8am and have a little Powwow. We all stand in a circle and one of the team leaders suddenly starts talking and the whole team turns into a bunch of cheerleaders.

The boss says "are you ready for a morning meeting?"
and everyone responds (about 30 people) in unison - AHHH OHHHH!
and they keep going, making this sound, until he makes a motion with his hands to stop
Then he says, "today’s announcements” and they all say BUM BA DA BUM!

Then we break into groups and run drills, practicing our pitches. It’s great fun….not really. Then we hop in our cars and drive to our territories to pound the pavement until 5:30 where we then drive back to the office and have an end of the day Powwow. This consists of everyone getting back into a circle and whoever made their sales goal for the day, goes out to the middle of the circle and grabs a cow bell that they clank the fuck out of while everyone cheers and they run around the circle giving everyone high fives.

This was all just a little too much, even for me. After about 3 days I was over it. Last night after talking to my mom about my concerns, I did some research online about this company I was working for and others like it and I can’t say I was thrilled with anything anyone had to say about the place. I went to bed pretty sure I wouldn’t be returning.

The ups and downs of being

So I've officially relocated to Portland, Oregon. Well, I'm technically living in Beaverton, but same difference. Brian and I have been living in southern Oregon (Eagle Point to be exact) and I've been driving up to Portland, every other week for interviews. It just started to seem like a waste to drive all that way (It's about a 600 mile round trip)so this past Tuesday I packed up my car with most of my necessities and moved into my sister spare bedroom.

On the up side, I'm just thrilled to be spending time with my sister and her Bo and I love being in the city, seeing friends I haven't seen in ages. Unfortunately I still don't have a job and we're stuck in our lease in Eagle Point, so my husband has decided to stay in the valley to try and find someone to take over the lease on our apartment. Brian and I have done the apart thing before and I can't say I care for it. I miss him a lot already.

I had no idea finding an admissions job was going to be so difficult. I was just sure, with my experience, that the first place I interviewed with would hire me. I still haven't heard back from Healed College, so for all I know I'm still in the running with them. I got a job offer from this hole in the wall, nursing school that just opened but they only wanted to pay me strait commission. I didn't even know that was legal in the world of admissions. In fact I've been told you can only do that if the school isn't accredited (which I'm pretty sure they said they were). I opted to turn that job down. I just didn't feel right about it and I had a bad feeling I was going to end up doing a whole lot of work and not get paid for it.

Last but not least I interviewed at The Western Culinary Institute on Tuesday. I am the most excited about this school thus far. I love cooking and it's so much more artistic than the other schools. It just feels like such a good fit for me. They we're supposed to have called me yesterday and when I didn't hear anything today I called them and left a voice mail. I wish they'd at least let me know what my status was so I don't keeping sitting around, waiting for them to call.

So now I'm sitting in Portland, still trying to find a job and we're running out of money quick. Truth be told, I don't even know how we're going to pay rent next month. I've never been so broke. It's the worst feeling. Up till now I've really just been looking for Admissions work. I think starting Monday I'm just going to have to take whatever I can get.

Dreams are weird

Last night I had this dream that I went to visit Tia in this crazy hippie commune in the middle of the forest somewhere. We were having a great time hanging out but then she had to run some errands or something so she left me to wander the complex alone.

I ended up running into my X-boyfriend Aaron. For the record Aaron is psycho and, when we dated a good 10 years ago, he was a drunk that liked to slap me around to say the least. In the waking world, had I run into Aaron, I would have quickly turned and walked the other way, but you know how dreams are. We just started talking and laughing and I started thinking he's not such a bad guy. Hell, maybe I even missed him.

Time is also a very strange thing in the world of dreams. Over the course of my dream I spent several weeks at the hippie commune. Aaron ends up asking if we can try to work things out and probably because I was high in my dream I agreed to date him. Of course shortly after agreeing to this, I am reminded of why we broke up in the first place. Aside from him being nuts, Aaron is also incredibly jealous which doesn't work well for me as I am a big flirt.

In this dream I run into an old friend, Jason Cannon. Cannon and I have always flirted and nothing has ever really become of it. We've been talking for a while in my dream and he tells me he's tired and going to head back to his bunk and crash. I jokingly ask if he wouldn't rather come back to my place for a night cap and he says, "don't you have a boyfriend?" and I say, "oh well we're hardly committed." (wink, wink) Of coure no sooner have the words left my mouth than I turn around to see Aaron standing there, turning 6 shades of red. This is the moment where I remember how insanely jealous Aaron is and as luck would have it, is also the moment I remembered that I'm married.

So as Aaron starts to blow up at me about how could I do such a thing to him and whatever I raise a hand to quite him and then go off myself. Although things are fuzzy in my dream, I remember wondering why it was I wasn't with my husband. I told Aaron he was an asshole and I was a married woman anyway so I don't know what I was thinking talking to him in the first place and I stormed out.

When I got outside I started to try and find my way out of the hippie commune but just then an alarm went off. I wasn't sure what was going on at first until I realized there was a tornado coming. The commune was mostly made up of trailers and old railroad cars all welded together in a giant maze. None of this would hold up against a tornado so I starting looking desperately for any sort of real building (you know like with a foundation) that I could hide in.

I kept running into these elderly people who seemed lost and frightened. I started helping as many of them as I could until it was too late for me to find a hiding place of my own. I remember the tornado touched down and immediately people started getting sucked up into it. I layed down on the ground between two trailers and grabbed ahold of a water spout that was sticking out of the ground. The trailer next to me started to lift off the ground and so did I but a moment later it disbursed and we bother dropped to the ground.

I decided I needed to get out of there so I got up to try and find someone that could give me a ride back into town. I stumbled back into Jason Cannon who now had my friend Kate Lewis with him. They were sitting in the grass giggling. Jason informed they had found some E and we're now pleasantly loaded. They tried to get me to take some and join the party. While I was tempted, I was on a mission to get the heck out of there so I said my goodbyes and turned to leave. Just then, a Van full of super heroes showed up.

Ok they weren't really super heroes but the way they pulled up in their brightly painted van and all jumped out and struck a pose. You could see how one might think they were. Turns out, they were video game developers. The creators of well, I wanna say Ninja Gaiden or something like that but I can't remember. All I remember is them jumping out of the car, landing in ninja poses and everyone being very impressed. As everyone stood there in awe I tried to sneak out the back but one of them saw me and caught me by the arm. "Don't you want to try the demo?" He asked me. He looked a lot like Jacob from the twilight movies.

Before I could respond he was leading me away. Suddenly we were in this big room and there were all these multi colored, cirlces of light on the floor. It's hard to explain exactly what the game was. You know how dreams are. But music started playing and I had to jump from circle to circle as they lit up in front of me, in time with the music. It was a lot like DDR if DDR took up an entire gymnasium and you had to do crazy acrobatics to hit all the marks, which I suddenly found myself able to do. It was pretty awesome really.

It gets pretty fuzzy after that. I vaguely remember Tia showing back up with a Kitten and then I woke up...

Work Sucks

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, I haven’t blogged in nearly a month. A lot has happened and I’ve sort of just let myself fall of the radar until I felt better prepared to discuss. The 15th of May was my very last day at that shitty ass Job I’ve been complaining about since the day I started there, back in December. They actually fired me on the morning of the 7th of May, allegedly for posting on Face Book from work. I would have understood it better if I was fucking about on social networking sites all day, everyday or even for an hour or so every day, but I only wandered over to such websites on rare occasions when it was particularly slow. Also, a majority of the staff in on facebook/myspace and I had seen them post a thing or two during work hours so I didn’t really think anything of it.
My captors, I mean employers, were particularly upset over a Status update that I had posted. It read something to the effect of, “7 more minutes and I get to go home.” Underneath, one of my coworkers had immediately replied to my post with, “Shouldn’t you be working instead of posting on Facebook?” My boss says to me, “aren’t you embarrassed to have a co-worker call you out on something like this?” and all I can think is, doesn’t he see the irony? My boss is angry with me for posting on facebook but not at my co-worker who, in order to reply to my comment, would also have to be (you guessed it) posting on facebook. Oh they were also very upset that I would say something about wanting to go home from work. They seemed to think that I should never want to go home, that I should always be excited to be there. I could almost see their point if I was a developer or part of the sales team but I answer the phones for fuck's sake. How fucking excited do you want me to be?
So anyway I go on to tell them that a majority of their staff does the same thing on the internet and they start giving me a bunch of excuses about how their other employees work late and come in on the weekends. Well, I’ve worked late before and I would come in on the weekends if anyone ever asked me but as I pretty much just answer the phone, run errands and do a bunch of bullshit busy work, there isn’t a whole lot of reason for me to be there after hours.
So then they tell me that they don’t want the rest of the staff to know I’m fired as my co-workers love me and they know they will all be very upset at my termination. (Aside from my bosses, Everyone I work with is awesome and I adore them) So they tell me I can stay on and keep working until they find my replacement so long as I promise not to tell anyone I’ve been Fired. They said they’d rather have it appear I’d just left on my own. I’m so appalled by this I can’t even begin to tell you but I needed the money so I agree to their terms.
Less than a week later, they changed their minds. They call me into their office and tell me I’ve been such a good girl this past week that they’d like to un-fire me. Again, I fucking hate this job but I need the money so I agree. 2 days later they change their minds again. This time they decide that I must be looking for work elsewhere because I left early on Thursday and they would be looking for work too if they were in my shoes. They then tell me that the reason they’d never “unfired” anyone before was because you just can’t go back once the trust is broken so they felt it was best if we parted ways.

Old Friends

Last week I very nearly lost my job. I have learned better than to speak too much about my work situation in the world of blogs so I’ll leave out the detail but in short, last Thursday I didn’t think I would be an Admin Assistant for much longer. I had been thinking a lot about my friend Tia and how I hadn’t spent much time with her in the past month or so. I decided I should call her up and see if she wanted to get a beer with me while I wallowed in sadness. She agreed and we met up at the Beau Club after work.

Tia has been so great lately. I keep expecting her to drop some bomb on me or get all judgmental and we’ll end up not speaking again, but she’s just been like the old Tia that I’ve always loved, only slightly less bitchy and more grown up. Since our time was fairly limited and I didn’t have any real birthday plans, she and I decided we’d go out on the town Saturday night.

So Saturday night, we met up around 7:30pm and headed down to the Ashland Creek bar and grill. I could hardly believe how easy it was to just sit down and drink beer with Tia and talk about everything. It was Like nothing had changed. I cried about my problems to her and she shared some of her own. We laughed and reminisced about old times. We reveled in the fact that we’re pretty much made of awesome. We were best friends again and I couldn’t believe how much I’d missed her.

We ended up out at the bars until the wee hours of the morning. Then we went back and crashed at her place. Only we stayed up until 4am talking. It really was just like old times. We even got up the next morning and went to oak tree for breakfast. I couldn’t think of a more perfect way to spend a Saturday night.

Space Girls are Easy

I went to Portland this past weekend for my sister’s boyfriend’s birthday party. Well, I really I went to see her and help her with the party. I was meeting the boyfriend for the very first time. Brian came with me as far as Dallas. For those of you who aren’t familiar, Dallas is a small town 30 miles east of Salem. One of Brian’s very best friends, Jim Smith, lives there with his family. Brian and I spent the night there Friday and I got up early Saturday morning and headed the rest of the way to Portland to see my sister. Brian stayed in Dallas to play with Jim for the weekend.

When I got to Davina’s, she had just gotten dressed. First thing, we headed to Starbucks for coffee. I sat and chatted with her and Shadoe for about an hour. He’s pretty much great. He’s sweet and funny and D just seems to adore him and likewise.

After coffee, Davina and I pretty much spent the whole afternoon running errands, getting party supplies and then decorating the house and making snacks for the party. Somewhere in the middle of all that I called Zack to see if he still wanted to be my date to D’s party. He agreed but told me he’d have to bus it over as his car was in the shop. I assured him it would be no trouble for me to come get him so I headed over to SE to snatch him up. When I got there Janika answered the door. (Zack’s older sister) I’d forgotten she would probably be there. She looked great. Tall and beautiful as always. I gave her a big hug and then Zack swept me up in one of his world famous hugs (Seriously, they’re the best) and then took me on a tour of the house. He and Janika had purchased it together a year or two ago. It’s totally cute, wood floors and rustic charm. They even have a garden. (I’m so jealous)

So my sister’s party was actually a Scifi theme party and Zack had done his best to find an outfit but had given up and gone with a very vintage looking suit and hat. I actually thought it made him look rather steampunk. He asked me if I thought it would work for the party and I assured him he looked very dashing. So we headed back to my sister’s, stopping at an ever so cute coffee shop in SE for a macchiato. Zack proceeded to tell me all about the third wave coffee movement and the local barista competition. I can’t wait to live in Portland.
When we arrived at my sisters, Zack jumped right into helping with prepping the snacks and hourdurves while I ran off to put on my costume. Nothing too elaborate but just space girl enough to get by. I must say, I was pretty damn cute. My sister's costume was not unlike a futuristic flight attendant and she was adorable. Her Boyfriend, Shadoe had put together this crazy, futuristic bounty hunter outfit. Something about it reminded me of tank Girl meets Mad max. Such a creative pair, those two.

They had a whole kareoke set up and I sang a song or two but mostly I tried to avoid getting too hammered and chatted with either Zack or my sister. Davina had tried her hand at making Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters.

* The Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster was invented by Zaphod Beeblebrox, a major character in Douglas Adams' novel The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. The effect of a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon, wrapped 'round a large gold brick. It has also been described in the novel as the alcoholic equivalent to a mugging; expensive and bad for the head.*

My sister version of the drink consisted of two parts Goldschloger, one part citrus vodka, one part Everclear, topped off with a cherry that had been soaking in Everclear for a week. Although not quite the same as getting hit in the head with a brick, it was pretty kick you in the chest awful. I pride myself on being able to take just about any shot without so much as a flinch, but this stuff. Wow.

Despite all the Everclear and other drinks I managed to not get too hammered. It could be the rather large plate of pasta I had at the beginning of the evening or the fairly long intervals in-between drinks. Either way, I didn’t puke and woke up in the morning feeling fairly together. I got up, took a shower and then Davina, Shadoe and I all headed downtown Portland, for breakfast at the Roxy.

I hadn’t been to the Roxy in years. It used to be one of my absolute favorite places to hang out in Portland. It’s a little all night café with all kinds of movie paraphernalia and other interesting tid-bits decorating the walls. I found myself wondering if the new smoking ban was hurting their business. After staring at the menu for a few minutes I settled on some big ass biscuits and gravy and a diet coke. Perfect hang over food.

After breakfast we headed back to the house and looked at the pictures we’d taken from the night before (see my facebook). I then I packed it up, said my farewell’s and headed for Dallas to pick up my cookie (Mr. Johnson) for the ride home.

It only took me about an hour to get to Dallas from my sister’s. I got a little lost and had to call Cookie to direct me the last few blocks. When I arrived I thanked Jim for taking good care of Brian, it seems they too had a blast, and then we were back on the road, headed for home. The drive back sure felt a lot quicker. It helped that it wasn’t pouring rain like it had been on Friday night. I was glad to be home in my comfy bed with my snuggle kitties and my cookie. Don’t worry Portland, I’ll see you again soon!

Migraine Aura

So pretty much my whole life I have suffered from migraines but it wasn't until I was about 22 that they started arriving with Auras. If you've never had one, they're the weirdest damn things. The first time I was working at Blockbuster. I was working the check out and my scanner broke so I was having to type in all the card numbers manually. For some reason the cards kept getting harder and harder to read until I realized part of my vision was missing. As this was the first time anything like this had ever happened to me, I was scared. For a moment I thought maybe I was going blind or was about to have a seizure. I took my lunch break and sat by myself for a while trying to calm down. The missing spot in my vision had turned into a bunch of dark wavy lines while the rest of my vision sort of seemed to sparkle. After a while it all faded away, my vision returned to normal and I got a massive head ache.

Honestly I'm now rather glad for the auras. As soon as they show up I know I'll be in all kinds of pain in about an hour, so it gives me time to escape from wherever I'm at and get home or at least some where dark adn quiet before it's too late.

In Dreams

I’m so tired today. I couldn’t really tell you why. I went to bed at a decent hour and I slept fairly well. But I had to drag myself out of bed and force myself out of the shower and I nearly fell asleep at the wheel on the way to work. The only thing that accounts for my exhaustion was that my night was full of intense dreams. Of course now I can only tell you bits and pieces. I remember chopping down a door with an ax and then proceeding to keep chopping until the whole door was reduced to splinters. I remember something about going back to school and how happy I was about it. I remember something about Alex baking me pies. I remember running from something and I think it had something to do with the door I broke and I remember a very unsightly public toilet I was going to use cause I had to go to the bathroom so bad but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. That’s about the time I woke up.

Often when I have a long night of vivid dreams I feel like I haven’t slept at all. Like all the running around in my dreams had left out any real time for rest. I think I need to start a dream journal again. I know some of you might laugh but I think there are very real messages in dreams if we know how to listen. I’ve had many dreams come true before, at least in part. And my dreams are very often intense and in color and vivid as all hell. I don’t talk to many people that have dreams like I do.

Money Penny

The new Baby girl.

Sunshine

It’s been a surprisingly good day today. I slept in about 10 minutes longer than I should have but I still managed to get out of the house and to work on time. I didn’t forget the doggie crate that my mom had asked that I bring for her. Work was busy this morning but not in a bad way. It was just hectic enough to make the morning pass quickly and without incident. My Mom picked me up for lunch and we went to Munchies, one of my favorite little lunch places downtown Ashland. I totally pigged out while my mom told me all about her new puppy she’s picking up today. Now I’m back at work and things are a little slower but steady enough to keep me busy and I’m in a pretty good mood. It’s absolutely beautiful outside. I can hardly wait to get off work and catch a few rays of sunshine. If things keep going this way, it might just turn out to be a great day.

Brian has switched to working evenings for the time being. Yesterday was his first evening shift. He got home around 10pm last night and told me he’d finally had a chance to get caught up on my blog. He said we both want really different things out of life and that it’s a little scary. I wanted to cry. Not because I was sad but almost out of relief that he, at least seemed, to understand how I’ve been feeling. We sat and talked for quite a while. He kept telling me I should go to sleep but it was the best “us” conversation we’d had in a long time and I didn’t want to end it. I told him no matter what happens, I would always love him and he looked at me like I had one foot out the door already. I didn’t mean it like that when I said it, but I can’t honestly say there aren’t days where I want to run away.

Up until now, our relationship has been relatively easy. In the beginning and through the first few years of our marriage, I wanted nothing more than to please him. If he was happy, I was happy. Brian wanted me with him all the time and we were rarely apart from one another. We both loved all the same stuff so he was easy company to keep and I know the feeling was mutual. We both enjoy Video games, comic books, movies, star wars, roller coasters, etc. We’re best friends, even though Brian hates to admit it. It’s odd really, Brian often seems less than thrilled to admit I am a integral part of his life. I don’t know if I’ve ever understood why. I imagine it’s some sort of emotional safety net. You know like if he doesn’t say it, it’s not true. Or maybe he thinks if I knew how important I was to him, it would give me some sort of power over him. Who knows?

In the past year our relationship has sailed into dangerous waters. For the first time ever, things aren’t just coming natural. We aren’t both seeing the same goal and heading towards it together. We’re standing at a crossroads, holding hands, but looking in different directions. A big piece of Brian wants to stay here in the valley. As much as I want to want to feel the same, I don’t share that desire at all. Brian seems willing to come to Portland with me in a compromise of sorts but says he’s afraid Portland won’t be enough for me. I think it will be but I worry that when I reunite with my old friends who have almost all relocated there, it might be too much for Brian to handle.

I Love Brian so much. There is no one in the world I care more for. I wish I could just make everything ok again. I wish I didn’t feel like this was all my fault.

Christopher

Chris is Ashley’s twin brother. He’s of course our eldest nephew and also 19. He’s always had problems, as long as I’ve known him. I’m quite positive he suffers from some sort of severe learning disability or perhaps even some sort of psychosis. Sadly, his parents have just pushed this under the carpet for years and never got him any help. To make matters worse, they homeschooled him, which I have no doubt, did nothing to help him progress mentally or otherwise.

I’ve always wished there was something more I could do to help Chris but Brian has never had the patience to deal with him and I hardly feel it is my place to intervene. Now that he is nearly 20 and his father has all but washed his hands of him, Chris is a time bomb. He says that he wants to better his life but he refuses to get a full time job, finish the work involved in getting his GED or really take help or advice from anyone that offers it aside from his Great Grandmother (Grandma Johnson) who he stays with when he’s not staying with his 17 year old girlfriend and her family.

Although I haven’t seen it for myself, all signs point to him not being very grateful of his grandma putting him up and that he abuses the privilege at every turn. He’s desperate for the attention and the approval of anyone who will give it, in particular his family and friends but he lies and steals and constantly tries everything in his power to impress you when all anyone wants is for him to just be himself.

He sort of invited himself over a few weeks ago. It was the first time I’d seen him in ages. He wants us to treat him like an adult but he can’t hang. Maybe we gave him a little too hard a time but he’s gotta learn to swallow his pride and be a man. The moment Jim mentioned his underage girlfriend he stormed out.

A week later he called to ask to come over but Brian and I weren’t really feeling like babysitting so we didn’t answer our phones. Maybe that was a mistake. Maybe I should just have had the gall to answer the phone and tell him I’m sorry but we’re busy but I didn’t. I figured when he called my phone, and Brian’s phone 4 times a piece and we didn’t answer, he’d take a hint but no, instead he decided to come over and knock on our door. We didn’t answer and he called Jim’s phone. Jim didn’t answer and Chris immediately called again. This time Jim answered and he wasn’t nice. He told Chris he didn’t appreciate him blowing up our phones and if we wanted to talk to him we’d have picked up.

Chris was obviously upset but it’s beyond frustrating that he can’t take a hint. Part of me wants to take him out to lunch and have a serious conversation with him but from everything I’ve heard from the rest of his family, he won’t listen. In fact I’m starting to think if I took his GED test for him, gave him a job and place to live and counseling sessions he either wouldn’t take any of it or he’d find a way to fuck it all up. He seems determined to bite the hand that feeds him and I for one do not want to get bit.

My heart just breaks for him because I know so much of this is not his fault. He’s got issues he was probably born with and he’s really gotten a raw deal in life thus far but the thing is, I know what it’s like to get a raw deal. My deal wasn’t great but it wasn’t so bad either, however I ran with the “bad” kids in high school and most of them have pasts so bad that they make Christopher’s look like a trip to Disneyland. Now some of them couldn’t get out of that downward spiral of self-pity and loathing and they ended up dead or worse but the ones that made did so because they knew they couldn’t sit there with their heads in their hands crying about how life dealt them a bad hand. They had to get up and they put it behind them and they fought hard to make something of themselves.

*sigh* Perhaps I should try and put some effort into Chris. I just know I’ll hate myself if something happens to him and I never really gave it a shot. Damn stupid conscience.

Easter

When I was a little girl my parents, although they are both Christians, didn’t really believe or see the point in church. On Easter Sunday, or any other Sunday for that matter, you weren’t likely to find my sister and me dressed in new bonnets and dresses on our way to service. In fact, Easter was a whole lot like a little mini Christmas morning with a scavenger hunt.

My mom would get up at the ass crack of dawn and make a trail of Easter Eggs and Candy from our bedroom, down the hall, out the front door and off to some undisclosed location. My sister and I would wake up shortly thereafter, ready to follow the trail to treasure. My parents would give us baskets and we would start picking up candy and brightly colored eggs as fast as we could. At the end of the trail we would always find 2 beautiful Easter baskets full of candy and a stuffed bunny all wrapped up with a giant bow.

My sister and I of course loved stuffed animals so we were just elated to each have a new snuggly bunny and an ass load of candy and other goodies. Mom would usually make us breakfast then. Probably waffles and then we’d go somewhere. Maybe a parade or some kind of outing. Then we’d go somewhere fancy for dinner.

Now that I’m grown I don’t tend to do a whole lot for Easter. For the past 5 years my sister and I have lived too far away from my folks to really make it home for Easter and we’re a little old for Easter Egg hunts and stuffed bunnies anyway.

This year Brian and I just so happened to be in town for the Holidays. I thought about doing something with my folks but Easter is such a children’s holiday to me and Brian’s family is still full of kids so we decided to spend some time with our nieces and nephews. We headed over to Grandma Johnson’s House a little after 2pm Sunday. Ashley, my eldest niece(19) and her new husband Madison were there already. Also Brian’s Mom Shirley and his other grandmother (referred to only as Nana) we’re there.

I believe this is the third time I’d ever met Madison, and the first two times I couldn’t really figure what Ashley saw in him. Granted, he’s got a nice build. He’s 20 and very into boxing and other fighting styles so he works out and it shows. I wouldn’t exactly call him good looking but he ain’t bad either. Cute smile, pretty eyes, nice ass. Anyway, the first two times I’d been in Madison’s presence he sat in the corner looking miserable and not saying a word. Yesterday he spoke! In fact he more than spoke, he yapped it up pretty much the whole time he was there. Turns out he’s great. Funny, sweet, intelligent. Who knew!

Shortly after we got there, Marc, Brain’s eldest brother, and his family arrived. Marc’s oldest daughter, Michaela is 13 or 14. I can’t remember which. Brandon, is 10 or 11 and Cameron is 8. They were all bouncing and excited for the holiday, running about the house. We all ate KFC and then Marc hid a good 20 Easter eggs in Grandma J’s HUGE back yard. About the time the kids took off in search of their Easter treasure, Alex called. He was getting ready to head to Easter dinner with one of his new roommates family’s and wanted to call and see how my Easter had been. I filled him in on my days events and then I went back to watching the kids search the yard.

One egg had gone missing and no one could seem to locate it. Marc couldn’t even remember where he’d hid it. Soon it wasn’t just the kids searching but the whole family out in the yard, looking under bushes and in trees for the last elusive egg. After a while we gave up and headed back inside, accept for Nana who refused to give up the search.

I think Brian and I spent most of the afternoon talking and joking with Madison and Ashley, which was actually really great. After a while we started to wonder what had become of Nana, when she walked in with the missing egg. Crazy lady. Upon her return, Nana decided that it was picture time and she wasn’t taking no for an answer. We then spent what seemed like forever trying to line up the family for a photo. Brian and I kept mentioning it seemed a little odd to do a family portrait when we were missing a third of the family, but Nana didn’t seem to care. I don’t know if we managed to take any serious pictures as Madison and Brian we’re being total goofs and we couldn’t stop laughing long enough to smile.

After pictures and an taking turns through Brandon and Cameron in the air a few time, all talks turned to Christopher. I am just now realizing that talking about Chris should be a blog of it’s own. To conclude this one, we probably talked about Chris for a good hour before we headed home.

I started my period on Monday with mixed emotions. I’d been having dreams about being pregnant, so much so I started to wonder if I might be. I’ve been off the pill for the past few months. Not because I’m trying to get knocked up but because I simply ran out of pills and didn’t have insurance/time or money to get more. I’ve been careful, hell Brian has all but cut me off so I didn’t have any real reason to worry, aside from the dreams.

Now would probably be about the worst possible time for me to be pregnant, for a multitude of reasons. All the same, when I realized it had started I felt a twinge of regret. Then I immediately I moved past that emotion to the more logical one which is of course, “thank god!” I’ll be turning 29 in a few weeks. I remember thinking when I was little that 28 would be a really good age to have kids. Then I got into my 20’s and I decided I’d rather wait for my 30’s before I took on mommy hood.

I’m well aware that having children is a terribly selfish, narcissistic thing, but I don’t care. I don’t think I do a lot of selfish things so I’m willing to forgive myself on this one. Plus I think I would rock as a mom. I’ve been den mother to all my guys friends since Jr. High, so I’m pretty sure I could handle it. The only part that really freaks me out is the baby part.

I’ve never really been around babies. Sure I’ve held a few but I’ve never changed a diaper, never babysat anyone under 10. I didn’t care much for kids when I was a kid and I didn’t have any siblings that were that much younger than me. My sister doesn’t have any kids. Point is I just don’t have any experience in the baby department at all.

When my husband and I got married, we both agreed that we wanted to wait to have children but in the years that followed, I got the feeling that when he said wait he really meant never. I mean I don’t even have a dog for fucks sake. That’s a whole other can of worms. Anyway, last time I mentioned that I still planned on having babies at 32 and that it was only 3 years away, I thought he was going to have a panic attack. I’m starting to think I’ll never have kids…

I want

I’ve been spending a lot of time, meditating on my life lately and I can’t help but wonder how I ended up where I am. Ok, that’s not entirely true. I do know exactly how I ended up where I am but I don’t know why it took me so long to get some perspective. There is nothing exactly wrong with my life. In fact all things considered, my life is good. I have a husband that loves me very much and is faithful to me. I have an amazing family and friends that support and love me. I have a job and a place to live and I’m certainly not starving. I have a few nice things and I’ve lived a good life. But with each passing day I keep feeling more and more like something is missing. I feel myself tugging at the seams on this reality I have built around me and wondering what it would be like on the other side of the fence.

For a while I thought maybe I was suffering from a bad case of, “The grass is greener,” but I have to tell you I think it’s more than that. I think there is something missing, a void that needs filling and I’m not sure exactly what to fill it with. I know part of my distress is being back in the valley. While it’s always great to be back here at first, but after a while it starts to crawl around under my skin and I have to get it out. I have to escape before it wraps his tendrils around my throat.

There are so many things I want to do and I suddenly feel like I’m running out of time to do them. I want to travel and see the world. I want to learn a new language. I want to sing in a band again and play shows. I want to get more tattoos. I want to be amazing at yoga and teach it. I want to own my own business. I want to learn how to surf. I want to make love under the stars somewhere warm and exotic. I want to plant a garden and watch it grow. I want a dog to call my own. We’d play on the beach and he’d bring me driftwood sticks. I want to make a movie about vampires. I want to write a book about a girl like me. I want ride all the best roller coasters. I want to swim with whales. I want to ride a motorcycle. I want to go on safari.

I want all these things and I want them tomorrow. Sometime I think tomorrow will never come…

The end of Marla

I took the day off work yesterday to take Brian to the hospital for his surgery. If you don’t already know, he had a tumor which he so loving named Marla, growing under his right arm. When it first appeared back in August we were sure it was nothing but by October they were doing a Biopsy and I was emotionally preparing myself for my husband to be diagnosed with cancer. Thank God this was not the case. Yes, it’s a tumor but it’s benign AKA not cancer although it did have a low malignant potential so the doctor said we’d definitely want to have it removed. Unfortunately we didn’t have any insurance for Brian so we had to wait and wait and wait before we could finally see a surgeon about the procedure.

Brian’s insurance kicked in at the beginning of April and they scheduled his surgery for the 6th. We got up at 6am yesterday morning and drove down to the hospital together. Everything went surprisingly quick. We checked in, they had us back in a room a few minutes later and an IV in him just after that. Before I knew it I was kissing him goodbye and he was off to surgery. I knew it wasn’t a dangerous procedure so I wasn’t scared exactly but I was worried all the same. I sat in a small lobby with my iPod blasting as I read my latest Sookie Stackhouse novel. They gave me an Olive Garden style pager and said it would go off when he was out of surgery and headed to recovery.

It was only about an hour before my pager went off. I took it up to the receptionist and she put me in a small room and said the Doctor would be in to see me in a few. I knew Brian was ok but sitting there in that little room, all by myself, my stomach started to turn. I think I’ve watched entirely too many hospital dramas. The Doctor came in a few minutes later and was very brief. Said it all went well. Said it was smaller than he thought it would be and it was very hard. He told me he had to take out some muscle and some cartilage in order to get it out. Said he didn’t think it would cause any long term problems but it was likely to make Brian a little extra sore.

He said they’d be sending it off to a pathologist to make sure it was still the same thing they thought it was before but he was pretty sure it wasn’t going change and that they’d call us tomorrow to see how Brian was doing. I then spent another 45 minutes in the waiting room before they took him to recovery where I was allowed to see him.

When I walked into his room he gave me a big grin. He looked more alert than I expected him to. He was drinking apple juice as a nurse buzzed about him. He reminded me of a little boy who’d just gotten his tonsils out. They gave him a pain pill and we hung out in recover for about 45 minutes. Brian told me he’d asked for me the moment he woke up. He’s a sweet kid when he’s all doped up. I helped him get dressed and the nurse wheeled him out to the car.

When we got home we cuddled up on the couch and pretty much stayed there for the rest of the day. I took a little nap around 3:30pm and when I got back up we decided to be bad and went to Dairy Queen for dinner. Then we watched Wrestling. Batista totally kicked Randy Orton’s ass and it was awesome.

Under the knife

Tomorrow morning Brian is having surgery to remove the benign tumor in his arm. I'm a little nervous but mostly relieved to have this finally over. This whole tumor mess started way back in August. 8 months later we finally have insurance and it's coming out. I pray everything goes smoothly.

When I was in high school, I tried to learn how to snowboard. I had grown up in the San Fransisco Bay area and had never seen snow, prior to my 14th birthday. We had recently moved to Oregon and were only a few miles from Mt Ashland so my mom decided to get my sister and I some lesions. I sucked ass but I had fun.

Later that year I would learn that nearly all my friends loved to snowboard and I would often go up with them but I still sucked. I think part of it was that I never had my own board and was always borrowing others with varying degrees of size and shape, it was hard to get used to anything. I still loved going, even if I was on my ass more than anything else.

Brian, my husband, was a fairly decent snowboarder when I met him. In fact our first real date was when he dropped by my house, on the way home from a snowboarding trip. I hadn't been in years but I was excited to go with him. For whatever reason we never got the chance. We then moved to Florida where there was, no snow and he hadn't been riding since

7 years later...

A few weeks ago Brian got a free pair of lift tickets. I was excited at first and then very apprehensive. I realized I was 28 and hadn't been boarding since I was 17, and I wasn't very good then either. I wondered if I could still do it. We had to keep moving back our snowboarding plans for several weeks due to scheduling conflicts and I was starting to be glad that we might not go, then this past week everything came together and we were able to go up to the mountain Saturday morning.

Now when I think back to my high school snowboarding trips, I remember getting up at the crack of dawn, piling into a car with 6 guys and all our gear and heading up to the slops. Let me tell you, this is not how Brian rolls. We got up at 8am, got dressed, headed over to my folks house, ate breakfast and then headed up the the mountain. We rented some boards and boots and headed out to the slopes.

As I strapped myself in and stood up to look down the steep slope to the lift, I was suddenly frozen with fear. I started to go down bit by bit and I just fell and fell and fell. For a moment I was ready to give up. I had obviously, completely forgotten how to do this and should really just go back to the car before I hurt myself or someone else. As I sat there panicking, I looked up just in time to watch in horror as some idiot plowed into me. It didn't hurt bad but it knocked me tumbling backwards. That was it. I'm not a quitter, so I turned myself around to face down the hill and stood up one more time. Something clicked in my head, and I had it. Granted, it wasn't pretty but I made it the rest of the way down the slope to the lift with minimal wreckage.

We went up and down a few times before I convinced Brian to head up to some of the high runs. We sort of took a wrong turn and ended up going down a very steep hill that was fairly hard and icy. I was trying to take it slow and steady but a quarter of the way down I kicked out my heel to slow my self. I didn't slow but instead I stop, landed on my butt and started sliding down the hill. I tried to slam my board down into the snow to stop myself but it was too icy and I was picking up momentum. Suddenly I turning and then was sliding backwards, on my ass with my snowboard facing uphill. I was going fast and I could do nothing to stop. I didn't exactly panic but it scared the crap out of me. I kept trying to flip myself over and dig my board in but I was just going too fast. After a while I finally managed to twist over, slam my board down and stop.

I sat there for a few minutes trying to catch my breath and get it together. I was scared to get back up and slide and further down the hill but I did finally manage to scoot myself over to another run through some trees.

We got back up and we did a few more runs before I realized I'd really fucked up my neck. I let Brian take a few runs without me and then we headed for home.

I actually had areally great time. I sort of felt like I was doing better than I had in high school. If only I hadn't gone down that stupid slope backwards or gotten creamed by that guy, I think I could have lasted a little longer and I'm actually really excited to go again. :)

Sister

I talked to my sister for a long time today. I almost hate it when I need her advice on things as well she’s my baby sister and I want her to think I have everything together all the time. Sometimes though, there are things you can really only talk to a sister about. She’s a little crazy but well she is but she’s knows me, really well and she cares only about what makes me happy. There isn’t that air of, well this is what you should do and you have to do that. I think she’s a little harsh sometimes, not so much on me but on my situation but I appreciate her protectiveness. I don’t always agree with what she has to say but she always listens to me and tries to understand. I miss her a lot. I’m really excited about the idea of living in Portland and spending more time with her.

I’m standing at a crossroads and all directions are terrifying. I’m trying hard not to be a slave to my emotions, but to look at things with logic and integrity. I’m not exactly unhappy here, in this moment, but a step in any direction seems to have irrevocable consequences. These are the days where I wish I could just hop in a time machine and see how it all turns out. If I knew where all the roads went, maybe I’d pick the right one. I’ve been told that everything happens, just as it should. I wish I could take comfort in that, but all I see are these deceptively beautiful roads, unfurling in all directions around me. I don’t believe in accidents or coincidence so it can be no mistake that the path I’ve been on has come to such an abrupt end. I want to leap out into the darkness, to do what I dream. Too often it seems, in my quest to take the road less traveled, I get lost only to find myself on a beaten path. Am I fighting a losing battle?

Well, it’s Monday again. My weekend was well spent. Friday I got a call from my dear friend Alex. He’s been living in Portland, OR and is now moving back to San Diego, CA for the time being. I knew he’d be stopping here on the way down to visit friends and family but I wasn’t sure when.
I was so excited to hear from him. We’ve been friends since well, gosh I was probably 15 so he was probably 13. The last time I had seen him was my very last day in Oregon, before Brian and I moved to Florida, more than 4 years ago.
I met up with him when I got off work on Friday and we went to the Tally Ho (a dive bar in talent) to chat and have a few drinks. There wasn’t a whole lot of catching up to do. We’ve done really well at staying in touch over the past few years. He calls me every few weeks and we chat online a good bit. He mostly told me stories of all the grand adventures he had in Portland and when the liquor kicked in our discussion became more somber as we chatted of lost loved ones and friends who had passed since we’d last seen each other.
After we grew tired of the bar we returned to Alex’s Mom’s house to meet up with some friends of his. We played board games until it was way past my bedtime. Damn you Battle star Galactica and your evil game of doom.
I got home at about half past 2am to find my hubbie and Jim playing COH. They’re so cute. I felt like a bit of an ass for ditching them. Usually Friday are, “hang out w/ Jim and watch wrestling” night, but I wasn’t sure when I’d have another chance to see Alex.
We stayed up way too late and got up way too early to get ready to go disc golfing. It used to be one of our favorite pastimes before we moved to Florida and I had really missed it. We drove to Grants Pass with Curtis and met up with Ray and his GF Tess at the course.
I don’t have a whole lot of other courses to compare it too, but the one in GP always feels huge to me. I was worried I was going to suck so bad I’d be miserable but we were all so out of practice and in such good spirits we mostly laughed and I don’t think anyone kept score.
Curtis had brought a pink disc with a leopard on it. You can imagine the gay jokes that ensued. I remember yelling out, “Go pink pussy!” as he teed off from the 7th hole. Oh too funny. At one point we lost Ray’s disk and we all went hunting for it in a maze of blackberry bushes. We never found it but we did find another disc that someone else had lost. Ray decided to keep it and leave his for someone else. We all agreed this seemed fair.
By the time we got to the 18th hole I was exhausted. We headed home and it was nap time for me. Brian was supposed to come in and wake me after my nap but instead he fell into my sleepy trap and we both slept half the afternoon away.
Sunday was a lazy day. And I love lazy Sundays. I got up around 9am and had some tea while I fucked about on the interwebs and watched it snow out my window. I have the most beautiful view out my back door. I love sitting by myself in the mornings on the weekend just taking it all in.
After a while Brian got up and I made him some tea as well. We snuggled on the couch and watched some anime before eventually getting dressed to head to Sunday breakfast. Every Sunday we have breakfast or sometimes lunch at the Barbwire Grill in Eagle Point. It’s just down the street from our house so we usually walk. Sometimes a friend will join us, which was the case this Sunday. We met up with Curtis at his place and then walked down to the restraint.
We officially have regular status there and they always let us seat ourselves. Then they bring me a diet Pepsi before I even ask. The waitress usually harasses Brian for something or another and we laugh and order our food.
After breakfast we headed back home and Curtis headed to work. We killed time for a few hours until 7pm when we headed over to Brian’s Grandmothers house for a little family get together. Ashley, my eldest niece was there with her new husband. I don’t know how she got talked into getting married so young but I worry it was a mistake. He’s a very sweet boy and all but I don’t know that he’s ready to be a husband.
Marc, Brian’s eldest brother, was there with all his kids; Michaela, who’s 13, Brandon who’s 10, and Cameron who’s 8. They’re all adorable but lately I’ve had an extra affinity for Brandon.
Anyway, we hung for a bit. Brian and Marc mostly played with their iphones and giggled while I chatted with the relatives. Then we headed home for bed.

A very pleasant weekend if I do say so myself.

Lost

I think living in the Rogue Valley does something to my head. There is something in the air that makes me a little bit more crazy than normal. I walk around and I start to remember what it was like to be someone completely different from who I am now. Sometimes I miss that person, her inability to be held down, her bravery, her tomfoolery and, her sexual prowess. I don’t miss her co-dependency, her need to please other people, her willingness to settle.
I start to feel these things creep back into me when I’m here. If feels good but foreign and I find myself confused. Who am I? Who was I? Who will I become? The people I love in my life now are not the same as when I was here before. They all stand out like pinpoints of light and I wonder if I’m lost or found….

Green Porno

This is awesome. I think I like the snails best. Sadomasochism excites me!

Cookie

I love my husband, for a multitude of reasons. He's handsome, smart, funny, and sexy. He keeps me in stitches most of the time. He's a good kisser and when we make love it's almost always sweet and tender. And when it's not, it's steamy as hell.

I tell him all the time, so I assume that he knows, that I love him more than life itself. I'm not one of those people that feels like they should only tell their loved ones how much they mean to them on special occasions. I think life is very short and you never know when the last time you'll see someone will be, so I want them to know right now that they are loved and treasured.

I realize my last blog was all about my first love and how no one could ever make me feel like he did. One might think that I was insinuating that my husband did not bring me all the same joy. This is not the case. Unlike Zack and his ability to proclaim our love from the mountaintops, Brian's love is a quiet one. It is a love that is sometimes hard for me to see clearly because he doesn't like to shout. He wants me to see love in his actions and not his words and I do.

While Zack will always have a piece of my heart as my first love, The rest belongs to Brian. I believe without a doubt that Brian is my soul mate, if there is such a thing. He also makes me feel like no one has ever made me feel before but in his own way. Brian feels like coming home. He feels like a warm fire and movie on a cold and rainy day. He feels like family and he is.

We've been married for 6 and a half years. Prior to Brian, about the longest any relationship of mine seemed to last was about a year. After about a year with any boy, if he hadn't broken up with me I was probably bored to tears. I've never gotten tired of Brian. I'm always excited to see what's next.

I'm probably embarrassing him with my rant of love but I really do think the world of him. He's my cookie, my Lobster, my everything. I just don't know what I'd do without him.

Young love

When I was 15 years old I fell madly in love with a boy named Zack. The funny thing was, it was almost an accident. I’d been head over heels, crazy for this other boy Tom, who liked me a lot, but not enough to pick me. Tom was the boy that all the girls wanted. He was tall and handsome with charisma coming out of his ears and it just so happened that he was one of my very best friends. So, when he and his girlfriend broke up at the end of our freshman year, I was sure I had the best shot at being the next, future Mrs. Tom.
At the start of the summer, Tom and I were inseparable. We ran all over town doing all sorts of silly things together. One night we made out in his parents camper. I remember kissing Tom felt like kissing a rock star. I thought for sure we’d be going steady any day. Less than a week later, Tom met Julie and the rest is history. At 15, it’s really hard to know when to cut your losses so despite the fact that all signs pointed to “Tom picked Julie,” I was still on a mission to make him mine. In the mean time, I started spending a lot of time with this adorable and very sweet boy named Zack.
Zack came over nearly every day and brought me presents and other silly knick-knacks to make me smile. Maybe it was the fact that I was completely clueless to his advances that made me so attractive to him. Who knows. I still feel like such a fool that it took me so long to realize. If Tom was the hottest guy in school, Zack was easily a close 2nd. In fact Zack is probably even better looking than Tom but, especially when we were 15, he was much more reserved. Although no one in my group of friends would have participated in such a thing, Tom was akin to the captain of the football team while Zack was more of the quiet, sexy, artist type.
One day Zack spent the night at my house and it was all very platonic, at first. We we’re up late talking and we both just happened to pass out on my bed. I woke up in the middle of the night and it was like a light bulb went off in my head. I remember we were both lying there, facing each other, sort of pretending to be asleep. I’m not sure who started it but suddenly we were kissing and I was in heaven.
Zack made me feel like no boy had ever made me feel before and none have since. It was like I was the only girl in the world and, without a doubt, the most important person in his. Every morning when I’d arrive at school, he’d see me across the campus parking lot, tear of his backpack, his coat, his hat, and run at me at full speed. As soon as he reached me he lift me into the air and twirl me around and hug me. We were perfect. He was perfect.
Zack and I dated for 6 maybe 7 months. For sophomores, that’s a pretty decent amount of time. He was, without a doubt, my first love. I wish I’d been smarter then. Maybe I wouldn’t have smothered him to death with my love and jealousy, but I was 15 and stupid and when we broke up I was beyond devastated. In fact it was the only time in my life that I ever, even for a second, considered suicide. I know it sounds crazy now, but at the time I thought my soul mate had left me forever and that I was doomed to die alone.
He broke up with me in my favorite graveyard. It was very old and the Headstones were all crumbling and covered in moss. I used to love to go there by myself and write in my journal. I’d scribble down poems and other lovely phrase I found on graves. I remember just sobbing as he told me he just wanted to be alone for a while and that he could see us getting back together in a few years, when he was ready for something more serious. I don’t know if he was trying to appease me or he really meant it but it was cruel to say such things. I walked away thinking everything would be alright. We’d both just spend some time alone and then he’s realizes how much he missed me and he’d come back.
Within a week, Zack had a new girlfriend. I know he didn’t plan it that way but that’s what happened. I was enraged. I felt completely lied to and betrayed. I remember walking by the happy couple on my way to class, just as he was bending down to kiss her. I don’t know what came over me but as I passed I reached out and, just as their lips met, push the back of her head, slamming their faces together.
Amazingly, Zack and I are still good friends. After about a year of loving him and then hating him and then loving him again, we managed to be friends again. To this day I don’t think I’ve had such highs and such lows with one person. Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t want Zack back. I’ve married the man of my dreams for 6 years and I am very happy. It’s just every once in a while, I miss how passionate and unbridled love is when you’re young and foolish.