How is it I always end up here when I'm sad? I'm never here blogging elated stories of victory. I only find myself here when I am in desperate need of solace.

My marriage is falling apart, faster than I know what to do with and the hard truth is I don't think there is anything I can do. Not without loosing myself. Not without giving up so much of me that I don't recognize myself anymore.

I love my husband dearly but I fear love is not enough. Not anymore. I have given so much of myself to try and make things work and gotten so little in return that I am growing ever bitter.

It's not that my husband is a bad man. In truth he is kind and loving. But I think a marriage should be more than that. We should lift each other up and take care of each other. Find strength in one another.

But I find no strength in my husband. When I am low his eyes are pools of despair and I sink in them. Down ever deeper.

In my heart I see the way I want my life to be. I see all the things I want to do and all the adventures I want to have and when I try to picture my husband there with me all I can think is how much he doesn't want any of these things. How none of these dreams are his.

I want to scream because I while I know he could be amazing, I watch him take 2nd place over and over again because he's too scared to fight for 1st. I just can't watch it anymore. It turns my stomach and leaves me angry and so very disappointed.

And the worst part is I know that I'm going to break his heart into a million pieces if I go and the thought of hurting him is almost more than I can bare. But in the meantime I cut out little pieces of myself and try and use them as bandages on the holes in our marriage. And every piece I cut feels like a valley in the middle of my soul. No empty. so alone.