I started my period on Monday with mixed emotions. I’d been having dreams about being pregnant, so much so I started to wonder if I might be. I’ve been off the pill for the past few months. Not because I’m trying to get knocked up but because I simply ran out of pills and didn’t have insurance/time or money to get more. I’ve been careful, hell Brian has all but cut me off so I didn’t have any real reason to worry, aside from the dreams.

Now would probably be about the worst possible time for me to be pregnant, for a multitude of reasons. All the same, when I realized it had started I felt a twinge of regret. Then I immediately I moved past that emotion to the more logical one which is of course, “thank god!” I’ll be turning 29 in a few weeks. I remember thinking when I was little that 28 would be a really good age to have kids. Then I got into my 20’s and I decided I’d rather wait for my 30’s before I took on mommy hood.

I’m well aware that having children is a terribly selfish, narcissistic thing, but I don’t care. I don’t think I do a lot of selfish things so I’m willing to forgive myself on this one. Plus I think I would rock as a mom. I’ve been den mother to all my guys friends since Jr. High, so I’m pretty sure I could handle it. The only part that really freaks me out is the baby part.

I’ve never really been around babies. Sure I’ve held a few but I’ve never changed a diaper, never babysat anyone under 10. I didn’t care much for kids when I was a kid and I didn’t have any siblings that were that much younger than me. My sister doesn’t have any kids. Point is I just don’t have any experience in the baby department at all.

When my husband and I got married, we both agreed that we wanted to wait to have children but in the years that followed, I got the feeling that when he said wait he really meant never. I mean I don’t even have a dog for fucks sake. That’s a whole other can of worms. Anyway, last time I mentioned that I still planned on having babies at 32 and that it was only 3 years away, I thought he was going to have a panic attack. I’m starting to think I’ll never have kids…