To Whomever it was who felt the need to create an anonymous facebook just to send my husband a link to my blog.
A. He already knows about my blog. I figured it was only a matter of time before he read it.
2. Mind your own fucking business.
3. Seriously?

How is it I always end up here when I'm sad? I'm never here blogging elated stories of victory. I only find myself here when I am in desperate need of solace.

My marriage is falling apart, faster than I know what to do with and the hard truth is I don't think there is anything I can do. Not without loosing myself. Not without giving up so much of me that I don't recognize myself anymore.

I love my husband dearly but I fear love is not enough. Not anymore. I have given so much of myself to try and make things work and gotten so little in return that I am growing ever bitter.

It's not that my husband is a bad man. In truth he is kind and loving. But I think a marriage should be more than that. We should lift each other up and take care of each other. Find strength in one another.

But I find no strength in my husband. When I am low his eyes are pools of despair and I sink in them. Down ever deeper.

In my heart I see the way I want my life to be. I see all the things I want to do and all the adventures I want to have and when I try to picture my husband there with me all I can think is how much he doesn't want any of these things. How none of these dreams are his.

I want to scream because I while I know he could be amazing, I watch him take 2nd place over and over again because he's too scared to fight for 1st. I just can't watch it anymore. It turns my stomach and leaves me angry and so very disappointed.

And the worst part is I know that I'm going to break his heart into a million pieces if I go and the thought of hurting him is almost more than I can bare. But in the meantime I cut out little pieces of myself and try and use them as bandages on the holes in our marriage. And every piece I cut feels like a valley in the middle of my soul. No empty. so alone.

Last night Nori Spect of the Break Neck Betties had her gear stolen from her car! Everything is gone, skates, pads, uniform etc. Nori is currently on unemployment and cannot afford the cost of replacing all of her gear. Please chip in what you can to help her get back on her skates!

Sometimes I think my heart is delicate because I made it that way. Sometimes I think I wished for a life of unrequited love and heartache and the universe gave it to me. Sometimes I think I need it to be broken. I need the edges jagged. I need the seems torn.

If it's too pretty. If it's too perfect. It turns to ash in my mouth. And even when it's sour I'm not happy. I see greener pastures over every fence.

I seethe envy for a lie. I morn for a love that never was. A daydream that never existed. I fire that never burned.

But I'm tired of writing sad songs. I'm weary of my melody of woe. I want to feel the sunshine on my skin. I want to light a beacon in my heart. I want to tell you I'm alive now. I want you to know the winter's gone.

Fresh Meat

So a few months back, you may remember me talking about trying out for the Rose City Roller's Fresh Meat program. Basically if you want to play competitive roller derby in Portland, OR you try out and if you make it they put you on Fresh Meat which is a group of girls they teach how to play derby and if you make it through their training program, eventually you'll get on one of their 4 local teams.

I tried out back in December and didn't make it but I've been working hard and when try outs came back around this month, I was ready. What I wasn't ready for was how much they would change the format for try-outs.

This time they decided to up the ante and instead of a slow pace line and some basic knee falls we did the equivalent of a full, two hour Fresh meat practice. They started us out with the 50 Lap killer. That's a 50 lap pace line around the outside of the track in usually about 15 minutes or less and we each had to sprint one lap. I have asthma and sprinting is not my friend but I hung in until the very end.

After the 50LK I was exhausted and realizing we weren't even half way done was a little scary. They followed up the 50LK with holding derby stance for 30 seconds (basically a squat on skates) then sprinting 3 laps, then another 30 seconds of derby stance followed by 4 sprint laps and so on. I believe the next thing we did was falls. one whistle, left knee fall, 2 whistles, right knee fall, 3 whistles, both knees.

It doesn't sound hard but falling and getting back up and falling and getting back up over and over again is possibly even more exhausting than the 50lk. It some point the fall drill had gone on for so long and I was so tired I just thought to myself, you know I don't even care if I make it to FM or not anymore but I'm going to make it to the end of this if it kills me.

Next we did different stopping drills. Then we did some really fast weaving pace line drills. I actually had to stop and use my inhaler for those. After that we lined up for our last set of drills and I looked around and realized that of the 28 girls that started only 12 of us were left.

We did a jump, weave and stop drill and then a bunch of pack drills where we speed up fast as a pack, weave and then slow down. and stop on a dime together.

That was the last drill. They told us they would be calling us shortly to let us know if we made it or not. A bunch of the girls were going to Buffalo Gap to wait for their calls but I'd done that last time and I didn't want to do it again. I planned to just go home and wait for my call and cry all by myself if the news were bad.

Before I could even get out of the parking lot Nori called me to tell me I'd made it. Nori Spekt aka Kara would have been my derby wife but Cherry purposed to her before I had a chance. So now I just like to say she's my derby soulmate. I jumped out of my car and ran to give her a big happy, tearful hug. I made it. I can't believe it but it's true.

Tonight will be my 9th FM practice. It's hard. Really hard and exhausting and challenging and well, just about the most amazing thing I've ever done.

EE Cummings - i carry your heart

EE Cummings - i carry your heart

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Broken Hearts

When I was a little girl I had the best Daddy in the world. He was kind and loving and would always greet my sister and I with great big bear hugs. There was nothing he wouldn't do for us, in fact he could hardly stand to tell us no. It was a good time in my life.

My Dad has never taken particularly good care of himself. When I was little he smoked a lot and he had stomach ulcers that eventually perforated and nearly killed him, landing him in the hospital for weeks. I was probably 7 or 8. It was hard to understand the gravity of the situation at that age but I remember my mother being very concerned and making sure both my sister and I gave him big hugs and kisses before he went into surgery. After that he quit smoking and his health improved quite a bit.

Later, when I was a freshman in high school, my dad got depressed and picked up an ugly drinking habit. Honestly it's a much longer more complicated story than that but we'll save that for another day

I'm not sure I've ever gotten all the details but I know we 1st realized he really had a problem when he drank too much and ended up in the hospital. While he was there they had to put a tube down his throat which some intern fucked up and tore up his esophagus. Then they wouldn't give him any pain medication for it because he was an alcoholic.

I don't really like to talk about this period of time in my life as it pertains to my relationship with my father. It was a dark time and if you've ever studied psychology in regards to family dynamics, I was very much the black-sheep/scapegoat. Our family focused not on my fathers addiction but instead on my acting out. I was the "bad kid" and if there was anything wrong with my family it was my wild and unmanageable behavior.

I remember one time my dad came home drunk and found me and a few of my friends there, hanging out. He flew into a rage and threw them and me out of the house in the middle of a snow storm. I had pneumonia at the time. Honestly, I don't think he really meant to throw me out but when he came in screaming to, "get the fuck out," I didn't stop to ask who he was referring to.

Everything came to head when I was 18 and my father's drinking got so bad that my mother moved out and my father drank so much that he actually ruptured an artery in his stomach and nearly bled out. I remember going to the hospital and saying goodbye to my father, in case he didn't make it out of surgery. The prognosis was not good. Then mom and I went to the house to clean up. There was blood everywhere...

After that my dad quit drinking and I packed a bag and hitch-hiked to Colorado with my gutter-punk boyfriend. Colorado was a learning experience, to say the least. We were homeless for a while, literally camping by a creek and squatting in old houses when we could. Then we got jobs and were in weekly motels for while before finally getting a tiny, rundown studio apartment.

My boyfriend was a lot older than me and a possessive drunk ta boot. I knew it was time to go when one night we were hanging out at the bar we both worked at and he had a few too many, grabbed me by the throat and started screaming at me in front of all of our friends. They threw him out of the bar. He was so drunk he couldn't understand why I wasn't the one being evicted as it was obviously my fault he had behaved in such a way.

About that time my mother called me to tell me that my father had been diagnosed with congestive heart failure and was very, very sick. She bought me a bus ticket and I went back to Oregon.

Dad actually did ok after that. He somewhat followed the doctors orders and his heart got stronger and stronger. But he was diagnosed with diabetes and Peripheral Neuropathy. Peripheral neuropathy is a condition causeed by diabetes that means the nerves don't work properly. There may be damage to a single nerve. It may be damage to a nerve group. It may also affect nerves in the whole body. Mostly Dad is in a lot of pain a lot of the time and the doctors have him on some pretty powerful pain killers.

After my parents house burned down last summer, my Dad's health took a turn for the worse. His congestive heart failure had returned and this time they said it wasn't going to heal on it's own. The doctors tried to get him to put in stints but my dad refused. He said that surgery killed his brother (25 years ago) and he wasn't going to do it. I tried to tell my dad that it's 2011 and the heart stint procedure now has less than a 1% fatality rate but he wouldn't listen.

Now Dad's heart has gotten even worse and the doctors want to to a tipple bypass. It sounds really scary but I've done some research and it actually has very good survival odds now. It's something in the market of a 2% fatality rate.

My Dad is in his early 70's. If he has this surgery he could live another 15-20 years or more but he's told the doctor he won't do it. When my Mother told me that my Dad had simply decided to do nothing, I could hardly believe it. It's like he's telling us he's giving up. And maybe that's ok with him but how selfish and unfair to the rest of us. Sure, he'll be dead. He won't have to worry about it but I have to watch my mother and my sister heartbroken. And knowing that there is something that he could do but is literally choosing not to. I just don't understand how he could do this to us.

I've forgiven my Dad for all the bullshit he's put us though over the years but this is just too much. I want my children to have a grandfather. I want my mom to have that beautiful 50th wedding anniversary she's always wanted. I'm just not ready to loose him and here he is, tossing in the towel. It's just not fair. Just not fair.

Team Diva

One of the wonderful Rose City Roller league members, Devaskating Deva has just endured the scariest procedure of her life....a double mastectomy as a result of breast cancer. This brave woman will now face the next few months of recovery and needs all the love and support we can give her. Several of her fellow league mates got together in order to create a way to raise funds for Deva. A Breast Casting was held, casts were de...corated and now we are going to AUCTION them off to the highest bidder! Yes folks, you could own your very own set of Rose City Rollers finest body parts; all in the name of a great cause!

Saturday May 21st at the Heartless Heathers vs Guns and Rollers bout, Deva's cast was auctioned live, as well as Mel Mangles and Twat Rocket's casts. We raised over 1000 dollars for Team Deva!

Luckily for you, there are still more casts available. They will be available for viewing and information provided to bid on them using Ebay! Keep checking this page as they are posted. Bidding will begin as the casts come in and be open until June 1st.

Keep your eye on ebay!
http://shop.ebay.com/teamdeva/m.html?_nkw=&_armrs=1&_from=&_ipg=25

TEAM DEVA!!

Memento

When my folks house burned down in august, in their garage were all of my childhood toys. My sister and I had a massive collection of My Little Ponies.I think everyone has a favorite toy growing up and for my sister and me it was, with out a doubt, our Ponies.


D & I are very close in age. Growing up we spent a lot of time in our room playing together. We'd spend hours playing out these epic adventures and captivating melodramas, always with our ponies at the center of the plot. It's one of my fondest memories of childhood. It's probably the closets my sister & I ever were to each other or I imagine we ever will be.


I hadn't thought much about our ponies since I moved out of my parents house but I knew they were safe & I always imagined D & I would go through them at some point. I figured we'd give some away, save one or two special ones for ourselves and maybe give some to our children.


After the fire I knew they were gone, but I was so busy trying to make sure my parents were alright and count my blessings for the things that hadn't burned, i.e my wedding dress, my mothers jewelry, I just didn't have time to think about silly mementos from the past.


Now that my folk's house is nearly rebuilt, mom has been working hard to remember everything that burned in the fire so her insurance company can reimburse her. You'd think they'd just give her a lump sum but no, she actually has to send them an itemized list. Both my sister and I have been trying to help her. I put together a list of the 100+ children's books we had in the garage (another favorite childhood memory, bookstores & libraries) and my sister has been putting together a list of our ponies that have turned out to be collectible & some of them worth a little bit of money.

Yesterday when I got home from the bout there was a package that had arrived for me in the mail. It didn't say who it was from and I couldn't think of any online purchases I'd made recently so my curiosity was certainly peaked. When I opened the package it's hard to explain the range of emotion I went through.

At first I didn't entirely realize what it was. I saw this little pony face staring back at me but being that was about the last thing on the planet I expected to be staring back at me, it took a moment for me to process. So I pulled the little pony out of the bag and just stared at her. The gears in my head turning in 100 different directions. Who would send me this? Wait, which pony is this? I looked down at the package she had come in and read the words, Firefly. Firefly? OMG this wasn't just any vintage My Little Pony, this was Firefly! She was my favorite, most special pony!

In case you're not a 30 year old girl or you didn't play with ponies, Firefly was in the 2nd gen of ponies release in 1983. She went on to star in the 1984 made for TV Pony movie. Making her ever the more special to me.

So as I sat there staring at my pony, having all of these memories rush back to me it suddenly all became more than I could bare and I burst into tears. Now, I know what you're thinking. Was I seriously crying over a plastic pony? Hey look, we all know it's not about the pony.

At 1st I was baffled. Who would send me such a thing? Mom & I had been talking about the ponies so maybe she could have sent it to me but how could she have known to send me Firefly? To the outside observer it would have appeared that I loved all my ponies equally or at least intermittently. I couldn't fathom my mom remembering this one pony out of all the others. And there are literally hundreds of ponies that were made in the 80's. Could my mom somehow have just lucked out and ordered the perfect one for me?

Then I realized it just had to be my sister. She's the only one who could have known. Now, if you're wondering why I'd be a little baffled at my sister sending such a thought gift. We just don't talk much and don't get a long very well most of the time. I just didn't expect her to bust out with something something so sweet and well, perfect. It made my night. Hell, it made my week. It was a moment where I thought just maybe there is hope that we might be close again one day. Anyway, I just hope she knows how much I truly and deeply appreciated it. This is one pony I plan to keep safe and treasure always.

Back in the Swing of things

Seems every time I write a blog I end up apologizing for it being so long in-between updates. I guess I keep thinking I'm going to get motivated and start writing all the time only to find something else has me distracted.

My last blog was sort of an unfinished bio of my discovery of derby. I'm not going to use this blog to give you a play by play on everything that has happened to me since I started skating again but I will catch you up a little and tell you what I'm doing now.

I tried out for Fresh Meat in December. I went in not expecting anything. I was just excited to be there. I just wanted the experience. And I had a few friends trying our for the 2nd/3rd time and I really wanted all of them to make it far more than I cared if I made it myself or not.

Not to go too much into detail by try outs are pretty easy. There is a slow place line followed up by some really basic knee fall, jump and stopping drills. Nothing very scary at all. Regardless, I was nervous as hell.I thought I performed pretty decently and after we completed all the drill we all went to the Buffalo Gap the await the results.

They call each person individually within a few hours of try outs to let them know if they made it or not. I was one of the 1st to get a call. I didn't make it. At 1st I was fine with it. But as the night went on and more and more girls got their calls it started to feel like I was the only one that didn't get in. Sure, the 1st few girls that got a yes were a given. They were great skaters. We all knew they'd make it. But then girls that I had really though I was on par with started making it and that was only a little disconcerting but finally girls that I really though I was a little bit better than started making it and I just sort of fell apart.

I drove home in tears. Not just cute girl tears but ugly cry tears. I sobbed like I was 16 and my prom date had stood me up for the class whore. I felt terrible because I wanted to be happy for my friends that made it but I was just tore up because I thought I was better than this. It made me question myself. Am I any good at all? Can I even skate? Should I give up now?

The one thing I can say is I don't know that I truly realized how much I wanted to play derby until I didn't make fresh meat. If I hurt as bad as I did not making it I must really love it.

So since then I tore my rotator cuff. It's healing pretty well now but it's taken a couple of months. I've taken on a few Admin duties with the Wreckers. I got me some outdoor wheels and spent some time skating outside. I can't wait for summer when I can skate outside all the time. Mostly I've just tried to skate a lot and get better and get ready for try outs in May. Maybe I'll make fresh meat for my 31st birthday