Migraine Aura

So pretty much my whole life I have suffered from migraines but it wasn't until I was about 22 that they started arriving with Auras. If you've never had one, they're the weirdest damn things. The first time I was working at Blockbuster. I was working the check out and my scanner broke so I was having to type in all the card numbers manually. For some reason the cards kept getting harder and harder to read until I realized part of my vision was missing. As this was the first time anything like this had ever happened to me, I was scared. For a moment I thought maybe I was going blind or was about to have a seizure. I took my lunch break and sat by myself for a while trying to calm down. The missing spot in my vision had turned into a bunch of dark wavy lines while the rest of my vision sort of seemed to sparkle. After a while it all faded away, my vision returned to normal and I got a massive head ache.

Honestly I'm now rather glad for the auras. As soon as they show up I know I'll be in all kinds of pain in about an hour, so it gives me time to escape from wherever I'm at and get home or at least some where dark adn quiet before it's too late.

In Dreams

I’m so tired today. I couldn’t really tell you why. I went to bed at a decent hour and I slept fairly well. But I had to drag myself out of bed and force myself out of the shower and I nearly fell asleep at the wheel on the way to work. The only thing that accounts for my exhaustion was that my night was full of intense dreams. Of course now I can only tell you bits and pieces. I remember chopping down a door with an ax and then proceeding to keep chopping until the whole door was reduced to splinters. I remember something about going back to school and how happy I was about it. I remember something about Alex baking me pies. I remember running from something and I think it had something to do with the door I broke and I remember a very unsightly public toilet I was going to use cause I had to go to the bathroom so bad but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. That’s about the time I woke up.

Often when I have a long night of vivid dreams I feel like I haven’t slept at all. Like all the running around in my dreams had left out any real time for rest. I think I need to start a dream journal again. I know some of you might laugh but I think there are very real messages in dreams if we know how to listen. I’ve had many dreams come true before, at least in part. And my dreams are very often intense and in color and vivid as all hell. I don’t talk to many people that have dreams like I do.

Money Penny

The new Baby girl.

Sunshine

It’s been a surprisingly good day today. I slept in about 10 minutes longer than I should have but I still managed to get out of the house and to work on time. I didn’t forget the doggie crate that my mom had asked that I bring for her. Work was busy this morning but not in a bad way. It was just hectic enough to make the morning pass quickly and without incident. My Mom picked me up for lunch and we went to Munchies, one of my favorite little lunch places downtown Ashland. I totally pigged out while my mom told me all about her new puppy she’s picking up today. Now I’m back at work and things are a little slower but steady enough to keep me busy and I’m in a pretty good mood. It’s absolutely beautiful outside. I can hardly wait to get off work and catch a few rays of sunshine. If things keep going this way, it might just turn out to be a great day.

Brian has switched to working evenings for the time being. Yesterday was his first evening shift. He got home around 10pm last night and told me he’d finally had a chance to get caught up on my blog. He said we both want really different things out of life and that it’s a little scary. I wanted to cry. Not because I was sad but almost out of relief that he, at least seemed, to understand how I’ve been feeling. We sat and talked for quite a while. He kept telling me I should go to sleep but it was the best “us” conversation we’d had in a long time and I didn’t want to end it. I told him no matter what happens, I would always love him and he looked at me like I had one foot out the door already. I didn’t mean it like that when I said it, but I can’t honestly say there aren’t days where I want to run away.

Up until now, our relationship has been relatively easy. In the beginning and through the first few years of our marriage, I wanted nothing more than to please him. If he was happy, I was happy. Brian wanted me with him all the time and we were rarely apart from one another. We both loved all the same stuff so he was easy company to keep and I know the feeling was mutual. We both enjoy Video games, comic books, movies, star wars, roller coasters, etc. We’re best friends, even though Brian hates to admit it. It’s odd really, Brian often seems less than thrilled to admit I am a integral part of his life. I don’t know if I’ve ever understood why. I imagine it’s some sort of emotional safety net. You know like if he doesn’t say it, it’s not true. Or maybe he thinks if I knew how important I was to him, it would give me some sort of power over him. Who knows?

In the past year our relationship has sailed into dangerous waters. For the first time ever, things aren’t just coming natural. We aren’t both seeing the same goal and heading towards it together. We’re standing at a crossroads, holding hands, but looking in different directions. A big piece of Brian wants to stay here in the valley. As much as I want to want to feel the same, I don’t share that desire at all. Brian seems willing to come to Portland with me in a compromise of sorts but says he’s afraid Portland won’t be enough for me. I think it will be but I worry that when I reunite with my old friends who have almost all relocated there, it might be too much for Brian to handle.

I Love Brian so much. There is no one in the world I care more for. I wish I could just make everything ok again. I wish I didn’t feel like this was all my fault.

Christopher

Chris is Ashley’s twin brother. He’s of course our eldest nephew and also 19. He’s always had problems, as long as I’ve known him. I’m quite positive he suffers from some sort of severe learning disability or perhaps even some sort of psychosis. Sadly, his parents have just pushed this under the carpet for years and never got him any help. To make matters worse, they homeschooled him, which I have no doubt, did nothing to help him progress mentally or otherwise.

I’ve always wished there was something more I could do to help Chris but Brian has never had the patience to deal with him and I hardly feel it is my place to intervene. Now that he is nearly 20 and his father has all but washed his hands of him, Chris is a time bomb. He says that he wants to better his life but he refuses to get a full time job, finish the work involved in getting his GED or really take help or advice from anyone that offers it aside from his Great Grandmother (Grandma Johnson) who he stays with when he’s not staying with his 17 year old girlfriend and her family.

Although I haven’t seen it for myself, all signs point to him not being very grateful of his grandma putting him up and that he abuses the privilege at every turn. He’s desperate for the attention and the approval of anyone who will give it, in particular his family and friends but he lies and steals and constantly tries everything in his power to impress you when all anyone wants is for him to just be himself.

He sort of invited himself over a few weeks ago. It was the first time I’d seen him in ages. He wants us to treat him like an adult but he can’t hang. Maybe we gave him a little too hard a time but he’s gotta learn to swallow his pride and be a man. The moment Jim mentioned his underage girlfriend he stormed out.

A week later he called to ask to come over but Brian and I weren’t really feeling like babysitting so we didn’t answer our phones. Maybe that was a mistake. Maybe I should just have had the gall to answer the phone and tell him I’m sorry but we’re busy but I didn’t. I figured when he called my phone, and Brian’s phone 4 times a piece and we didn’t answer, he’d take a hint but no, instead he decided to come over and knock on our door. We didn’t answer and he called Jim’s phone. Jim didn’t answer and Chris immediately called again. This time Jim answered and he wasn’t nice. He told Chris he didn’t appreciate him blowing up our phones and if we wanted to talk to him we’d have picked up.

Chris was obviously upset but it’s beyond frustrating that he can’t take a hint. Part of me wants to take him out to lunch and have a serious conversation with him but from everything I’ve heard from the rest of his family, he won’t listen. In fact I’m starting to think if I took his GED test for him, gave him a job and place to live and counseling sessions he either wouldn’t take any of it or he’d find a way to fuck it all up. He seems determined to bite the hand that feeds him and I for one do not want to get bit.

My heart just breaks for him because I know so much of this is not his fault. He’s got issues he was probably born with and he’s really gotten a raw deal in life thus far but the thing is, I know what it’s like to get a raw deal. My deal wasn’t great but it wasn’t so bad either, however I ran with the “bad” kids in high school and most of them have pasts so bad that they make Christopher’s look like a trip to Disneyland. Now some of them couldn’t get out of that downward spiral of self-pity and loathing and they ended up dead or worse but the ones that made did so because they knew they couldn’t sit there with their heads in their hands crying about how life dealt them a bad hand. They had to get up and they put it behind them and they fought hard to make something of themselves.

*sigh* Perhaps I should try and put some effort into Chris. I just know I’ll hate myself if something happens to him and I never really gave it a shot. Damn stupid conscience.

Easter

When I was a little girl my parents, although they are both Christians, didn’t really believe or see the point in church. On Easter Sunday, or any other Sunday for that matter, you weren’t likely to find my sister and me dressed in new bonnets and dresses on our way to service. In fact, Easter was a whole lot like a little mini Christmas morning with a scavenger hunt.

My mom would get up at the ass crack of dawn and make a trail of Easter Eggs and Candy from our bedroom, down the hall, out the front door and off to some undisclosed location. My sister and I would wake up shortly thereafter, ready to follow the trail to treasure. My parents would give us baskets and we would start picking up candy and brightly colored eggs as fast as we could. At the end of the trail we would always find 2 beautiful Easter baskets full of candy and a stuffed bunny all wrapped up with a giant bow.

My sister and I of course loved stuffed animals so we were just elated to each have a new snuggly bunny and an ass load of candy and other goodies. Mom would usually make us breakfast then. Probably waffles and then we’d go somewhere. Maybe a parade or some kind of outing. Then we’d go somewhere fancy for dinner.

Now that I’m grown I don’t tend to do a whole lot for Easter. For the past 5 years my sister and I have lived too far away from my folks to really make it home for Easter and we’re a little old for Easter Egg hunts and stuffed bunnies anyway.

This year Brian and I just so happened to be in town for the Holidays. I thought about doing something with my folks but Easter is such a children’s holiday to me and Brian’s family is still full of kids so we decided to spend some time with our nieces and nephews. We headed over to Grandma Johnson’s House a little after 2pm Sunday. Ashley, my eldest niece(19) and her new husband Madison were there already. Also Brian’s Mom Shirley and his other grandmother (referred to only as Nana) we’re there.

I believe this is the third time I’d ever met Madison, and the first two times I couldn’t really figure what Ashley saw in him. Granted, he’s got a nice build. He’s 20 and very into boxing and other fighting styles so he works out and it shows. I wouldn’t exactly call him good looking but he ain’t bad either. Cute smile, pretty eyes, nice ass. Anyway, the first two times I’d been in Madison’s presence he sat in the corner looking miserable and not saying a word. Yesterday he spoke! In fact he more than spoke, he yapped it up pretty much the whole time he was there. Turns out he’s great. Funny, sweet, intelligent. Who knew!

Shortly after we got there, Marc, Brain’s eldest brother, and his family arrived. Marc’s oldest daughter, Michaela is 13 or 14. I can’t remember which. Brandon, is 10 or 11 and Cameron is 8. They were all bouncing and excited for the holiday, running about the house. We all ate KFC and then Marc hid a good 20 Easter eggs in Grandma J’s HUGE back yard. About the time the kids took off in search of their Easter treasure, Alex called. He was getting ready to head to Easter dinner with one of his new roommates family’s and wanted to call and see how my Easter had been. I filled him in on my days events and then I went back to watching the kids search the yard.

One egg had gone missing and no one could seem to locate it. Marc couldn’t even remember where he’d hid it. Soon it wasn’t just the kids searching but the whole family out in the yard, looking under bushes and in trees for the last elusive egg. After a while we gave up and headed back inside, accept for Nana who refused to give up the search.

I think Brian and I spent most of the afternoon talking and joking with Madison and Ashley, which was actually really great. After a while we started to wonder what had become of Nana, when she walked in with the missing egg. Crazy lady. Upon her return, Nana decided that it was picture time and she wasn’t taking no for an answer. We then spent what seemed like forever trying to line up the family for a photo. Brian and I kept mentioning it seemed a little odd to do a family portrait when we were missing a third of the family, but Nana didn’t seem to care. I don’t know if we managed to take any serious pictures as Madison and Brian we’re being total goofs and we couldn’t stop laughing long enough to smile.

After pictures and an taking turns through Brandon and Cameron in the air a few time, all talks turned to Christopher. I am just now realizing that talking about Chris should be a blog of it’s own. To conclude this one, we probably talked about Chris for a good hour before we headed home.

I started my period on Monday with mixed emotions. I’d been having dreams about being pregnant, so much so I started to wonder if I might be. I’ve been off the pill for the past few months. Not because I’m trying to get knocked up but because I simply ran out of pills and didn’t have insurance/time or money to get more. I’ve been careful, hell Brian has all but cut me off so I didn’t have any real reason to worry, aside from the dreams.

Now would probably be about the worst possible time for me to be pregnant, for a multitude of reasons. All the same, when I realized it had started I felt a twinge of regret. Then I immediately I moved past that emotion to the more logical one which is of course, “thank god!” I’ll be turning 29 in a few weeks. I remember thinking when I was little that 28 would be a really good age to have kids. Then I got into my 20’s and I decided I’d rather wait for my 30’s before I took on mommy hood.

I’m well aware that having children is a terribly selfish, narcissistic thing, but I don’t care. I don’t think I do a lot of selfish things so I’m willing to forgive myself on this one. Plus I think I would rock as a mom. I’ve been den mother to all my guys friends since Jr. High, so I’m pretty sure I could handle it. The only part that really freaks me out is the baby part.

I’ve never really been around babies. Sure I’ve held a few but I’ve never changed a diaper, never babysat anyone under 10. I didn’t care much for kids when I was a kid and I didn’t have any siblings that were that much younger than me. My sister doesn’t have any kids. Point is I just don’t have any experience in the baby department at all.

When my husband and I got married, we both agreed that we wanted to wait to have children but in the years that followed, I got the feeling that when he said wait he really meant never. I mean I don’t even have a dog for fucks sake. That’s a whole other can of worms. Anyway, last time I mentioned that I still planned on having babies at 32 and that it was only 3 years away, I thought he was going to have a panic attack. I’m starting to think I’ll never have kids…

I want

I’ve been spending a lot of time, meditating on my life lately and I can’t help but wonder how I ended up where I am. Ok, that’s not entirely true. I do know exactly how I ended up where I am but I don’t know why it took me so long to get some perspective. There is nothing exactly wrong with my life. In fact all things considered, my life is good. I have a husband that loves me very much and is faithful to me. I have an amazing family and friends that support and love me. I have a job and a place to live and I’m certainly not starving. I have a few nice things and I’ve lived a good life. But with each passing day I keep feeling more and more like something is missing. I feel myself tugging at the seams on this reality I have built around me and wondering what it would be like on the other side of the fence.

For a while I thought maybe I was suffering from a bad case of, “The grass is greener,” but I have to tell you I think it’s more than that. I think there is something missing, a void that needs filling and I’m not sure exactly what to fill it with. I know part of my distress is being back in the valley. While it’s always great to be back here at first, but after a while it starts to crawl around under my skin and I have to get it out. I have to escape before it wraps his tendrils around my throat.

There are so many things I want to do and I suddenly feel like I’m running out of time to do them. I want to travel and see the world. I want to learn a new language. I want to sing in a band again and play shows. I want to get more tattoos. I want to be amazing at yoga and teach it. I want to own my own business. I want to learn how to surf. I want to make love under the stars somewhere warm and exotic. I want to plant a garden and watch it grow. I want a dog to call my own. We’d play on the beach and he’d bring me driftwood sticks. I want to make a movie about vampires. I want to write a book about a girl like me. I want ride all the best roller coasters. I want to swim with whales. I want to ride a motorcycle. I want to go on safari.

I want all these things and I want them tomorrow. Sometime I think tomorrow will never come…

The end of Marla

I took the day off work yesterday to take Brian to the hospital for his surgery. If you don’t already know, he had a tumor which he so loving named Marla, growing under his right arm. When it first appeared back in August we were sure it was nothing but by October they were doing a Biopsy and I was emotionally preparing myself for my husband to be diagnosed with cancer. Thank God this was not the case. Yes, it’s a tumor but it’s benign AKA not cancer although it did have a low malignant potential so the doctor said we’d definitely want to have it removed. Unfortunately we didn’t have any insurance for Brian so we had to wait and wait and wait before we could finally see a surgeon about the procedure.

Brian’s insurance kicked in at the beginning of April and they scheduled his surgery for the 6th. We got up at 6am yesterday morning and drove down to the hospital together. Everything went surprisingly quick. We checked in, they had us back in a room a few minutes later and an IV in him just after that. Before I knew it I was kissing him goodbye and he was off to surgery. I knew it wasn’t a dangerous procedure so I wasn’t scared exactly but I was worried all the same. I sat in a small lobby with my iPod blasting as I read my latest Sookie Stackhouse novel. They gave me an Olive Garden style pager and said it would go off when he was out of surgery and headed to recovery.

It was only about an hour before my pager went off. I took it up to the receptionist and she put me in a small room and said the Doctor would be in to see me in a few. I knew Brian was ok but sitting there in that little room, all by myself, my stomach started to turn. I think I’ve watched entirely too many hospital dramas. The Doctor came in a few minutes later and was very brief. Said it all went well. Said it was smaller than he thought it would be and it was very hard. He told me he had to take out some muscle and some cartilage in order to get it out. Said he didn’t think it would cause any long term problems but it was likely to make Brian a little extra sore.

He said they’d be sending it off to a pathologist to make sure it was still the same thing they thought it was before but he was pretty sure it wasn’t going change and that they’d call us tomorrow to see how Brian was doing. I then spent another 45 minutes in the waiting room before they took him to recovery where I was allowed to see him.

When I walked into his room he gave me a big grin. He looked more alert than I expected him to. He was drinking apple juice as a nurse buzzed about him. He reminded me of a little boy who’d just gotten his tonsils out. They gave him a pain pill and we hung out in recover for about 45 minutes. Brian told me he’d asked for me the moment he woke up. He’s a sweet kid when he’s all doped up. I helped him get dressed and the nurse wheeled him out to the car.

When we got home we cuddled up on the couch and pretty much stayed there for the rest of the day. I took a little nap around 3:30pm and when I got back up we decided to be bad and went to Dairy Queen for dinner. Then we watched Wrestling. Batista totally kicked Randy Orton’s ass and it was awesome.

Under the knife

Tomorrow morning Brian is having surgery to remove the benign tumor in his arm. I'm a little nervous but mostly relieved to have this finally over. This whole tumor mess started way back in August. 8 months later we finally have insurance and it's coming out. I pray everything goes smoothly.

When I was in high school, I tried to learn how to snowboard. I had grown up in the San Fransisco Bay area and had never seen snow, prior to my 14th birthday. We had recently moved to Oregon and were only a few miles from Mt Ashland so my mom decided to get my sister and I some lesions. I sucked ass but I had fun.

Later that year I would learn that nearly all my friends loved to snowboard and I would often go up with them but I still sucked. I think part of it was that I never had my own board and was always borrowing others with varying degrees of size and shape, it was hard to get used to anything. I still loved going, even if I was on my ass more than anything else.

Brian, my husband, was a fairly decent snowboarder when I met him. In fact our first real date was when he dropped by my house, on the way home from a snowboarding trip. I hadn't been in years but I was excited to go with him. For whatever reason we never got the chance. We then moved to Florida where there was, no snow and he hadn't been riding since

7 years later...

A few weeks ago Brian got a free pair of lift tickets. I was excited at first and then very apprehensive. I realized I was 28 and hadn't been boarding since I was 17, and I wasn't very good then either. I wondered if I could still do it. We had to keep moving back our snowboarding plans for several weeks due to scheduling conflicts and I was starting to be glad that we might not go, then this past week everything came together and we were able to go up to the mountain Saturday morning.

Now when I think back to my high school snowboarding trips, I remember getting up at the crack of dawn, piling into a car with 6 guys and all our gear and heading up to the slops. Let me tell you, this is not how Brian rolls. We got up at 8am, got dressed, headed over to my folks house, ate breakfast and then headed up the the mountain. We rented some boards and boots and headed out to the slopes.

As I strapped myself in and stood up to look down the steep slope to the lift, I was suddenly frozen with fear. I started to go down bit by bit and I just fell and fell and fell. For a moment I was ready to give up. I had obviously, completely forgotten how to do this and should really just go back to the car before I hurt myself or someone else. As I sat there panicking, I looked up just in time to watch in horror as some idiot plowed into me. It didn't hurt bad but it knocked me tumbling backwards. That was it. I'm not a quitter, so I turned myself around to face down the hill and stood up one more time. Something clicked in my head, and I had it. Granted, it wasn't pretty but I made it the rest of the way down the slope to the lift with minimal wreckage.

We went up and down a few times before I convinced Brian to head up to some of the high runs. We sort of took a wrong turn and ended up going down a very steep hill that was fairly hard and icy. I was trying to take it slow and steady but a quarter of the way down I kicked out my heel to slow my self. I didn't slow but instead I stop, landed on my butt and started sliding down the hill. I tried to slam my board down into the snow to stop myself but it was too icy and I was picking up momentum. Suddenly I turning and then was sliding backwards, on my ass with my snowboard facing uphill. I was going fast and I could do nothing to stop. I didn't exactly panic but it scared the crap out of me. I kept trying to flip myself over and dig my board in but I was just going too fast. After a while I finally managed to twist over, slam my board down and stop.

I sat there for a few minutes trying to catch my breath and get it together. I was scared to get back up and slide and further down the hill but I did finally manage to scoot myself over to another run through some trees.

We got back up and we did a few more runs before I realized I'd really fucked up my neck. I let Brian take a few runs without me and then we headed for home.

I actually had areally great time. I sort of felt like I was doing better than I had in high school. If only I hadn't gone down that stupid slope backwards or gotten creamed by that guy, I think I could have lasted a little longer and I'm actually really excited to go again. :)

Sister

I talked to my sister for a long time today. I almost hate it when I need her advice on things as well she’s my baby sister and I want her to think I have everything together all the time. Sometimes though, there are things you can really only talk to a sister about. She’s a little crazy but well she is but she’s knows me, really well and she cares only about what makes me happy. There isn’t that air of, well this is what you should do and you have to do that. I think she’s a little harsh sometimes, not so much on me but on my situation but I appreciate her protectiveness. I don’t always agree with what she has to say but she always listens to me and tries to understand. I miss her a lot. I’m really excited about the idea of living in Portland and spending more time with her.

I’m standing at a crossroads and all directions are terrifying. I’m trying hard not to be a slave to my emotions, but to look at things with logic and integrity. I’m not exactly unhappy here, in this moment, but a step in any direction seems to have irrevocable consequences. These are the days where I wish I could just hop in a time machine and see how it all turns out. If I knew where all the roads went, maybe I’d pick the right one. I’ve been told that everything happens, just as it should. I wish I could take comfort in that, but all I see are these deceptively beautiful roads, unfurling in all directions around me. I don’t believe in accidents or coincidence so it can be no mistake that the path I’ve been on has come to such an abrupt end. I want to leap out into the darkness, to do what I dream. Too often it seems, in my quest to take the road less traveled, I get lost only to find myself on a beaten path. Am I fighting a losing battle?