damn it

So Brian went in for his Biopsy today. The doctors managed to cut most of the lump out but they couldn't get all of it. They still don't know what it is so it's off to the pathologist. I'm glad we're getting a little closer to figuring out what on earth this thing is. I just get myself so worked up about the damn thing sometimes I just can't stand it.

heat

Well our A/C had been busted for a while now. It wasn't too bad at first. It hadn't been to hot here and I spent the heat of the day at work in my nice air conditioned office but today it is no good. In Burbank it's 91 degrees and we're roasting. The Landlord says they will be replacing teh unit on wednesday but until then I guess we're screwed.

I was hoping to start packing today. I know I may still have a few months before I can actually move but I have a lot of stuff I don't use that could be neatly packed away as to avoid as much last minute packing as possible. This heay has left me wanting to do nothing but lay on my bed and try not to move.

Thank you God

So finally today we had a breakthrough. Mom took Brian to her own doctor and this time Brian is under the care of someone who gives a fuck. I am elated. I called my mom and caught them while they were still at the doctors and she told me our new doctor had given Brian a through exam. She checked him from top to bottom and from what we can tell so far, aside from his mystery lump of doom, he's in perfect health. They gave him some antibiotics which I just don't know what took so damn long for someone to give him. And it sounds like she's going to so a biopsy and get that thing out of there. Granted, we're not out of the woods yet. It could still be something serous but just knowing he's in the hands of someone competent makes me feel a lot better. Thank you god for taking Brian to this wonderful woman. I only pray he'll be all healed up soon.

Sick

I've been sick all week. I went to bed with a soar throat on Saturday and woke up with an even worse one Sunday morning. I went to Church on Sunday. I can't remember if I mentioned that in my blog before. I've been so worried about Brian and money and moving and everything else as of late I felt like maybe I needed to find a little faith. I'm not much for Church normally. I do love churches though. I like the way they look. I love their stained glass windows and pews. There is just something calming about the whole thing.

Anyway I seemed to get sicker and sicker as the week went on. Yesterday I woke up and I just couldn't get out of bed my legs felt so weak. I was really trying to not call in this week but I just couldn't make it. I went back to sleep for as long as I possibly could. Finally around 2pm it was just too hot in my room to sleep anymore. Our AC is busted and by 3pm the house is an oven.I crawled out to the living room where it was still dark enough to have kept some of the heat out and planted myself on the couch for the rest of the afternoon to watch Spirited Away.

Brian had suggested I watch it that morning when I told him I was staying home. I think he made a good call. That movie always makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I woke up feeling much better today and managed to make it into work.

Logically I've been worrying less and less about Brian. I'm fairly convinced that whatever is going on with him is going to go away with a little rest, some herbal remedies (aka a good detox) and some special attention to diet and just all around taking better care of himself. I think when I get to Oregon we need to have a serious life adjustment when it comes to how we eat and take care of our bodies. No more garbage!

What I've taken away from my experience being so far away from and concerned for my husband is that money and material possessions have lost so much of their value to me and my family and loved ones are really all that matters. I can't even tell you how broke I am right now and although that is a little stressful it seems to just fall on the sidelines now. I know we'll figure it out somehow and really who cares so long as the ones I love are ok who cares.

Frustrated

It's our 6 year anniversary today, my husband and I. Sadly I will not get to see him. He is still in Oregon working. He called me this morning and he sounded awful or at the very least tired and more than a little depressed. He went to the Doctor on Friday to get the test results from the blood tests they did over a week ago. We were sure they would finally tell us what was wrong with him but no just more mystery. Apparently Brian's Liver is inflamed. This happens quite often with things like Mono or Hepatitis. In fact that is apparently what Hepatitis means. Hepa = Liver, Titis = inflamed. They still don't know what's causing Brian's swollen lymph node or why his liver in inflamed. They want him to come back for some more test in another two weeks.

What pisses me off is the doctor is so vague. He doesn't know what's wrong and he just gives us a bunch of stuff to just make us worry and sends us on our way. I'm so thankful that my parents have been going to the doctor with Brian so he isn't there alone to listen what amounts to a whole lot of nothing. They just don't know.

Up until Brian's most recent doctors appointment he really seemed to be doing a lot better. he said his lump was feeling smaller and hurting him less and he really seemed to be in good spirits. Today he doesn't feel good and he thinks the lump is bigger. If the lump is bigger it may be in part to the fact that because the doctor told him pain killers can inflame a liver Brian stopped taking them. So of course when he stopped taking anti inflammatory his swollen lump regained some of it's size.

Part of me wishes we'd never gone back to the doctor. His blood test was taken over a week ago so just because his liver was inflamed then doesn't mean it still is. It just feels like such a set back. Brian seemed to be doing so much better and just the knowledge of this new symptom just seems to have set him back.

I've spoken a lot about Brian's symptoms with my good friend Alex who is quite the healer and is very familiar with the way the body works and these types of thing and he's assured me that he doesn't feel what Brian has is life threatening which does make me feel a little better. I still want so bad to just drop everything and run up there to take care of him but I know I can't. I have to stay here and work and save money.

I've actually been having a really rough time with all of this. I've been so stricken with worry for Brian that half the time I can't eat and I get the shakes. I just get so scared I feel like I'm dangerously close to having a panic attack.

To ease my fears I've been trying to dig deep and find some faith. I even went to church this morning with my roomie, kyle. It was kind of nice and rather fitting. I was married in a Methodist church 6 years ago today and I spent this morning worshiping in one.

Distance

So I'm back in L.A again. For those who don't know last Thursday I drove up to Oregon to vist my sick husband and family. I spent most of my time there just being near Brian. He still has the giant swollen lump under his arm.

I actually went to the doctor with him on Tuesday for an ultra sound. While sitting in the exam room looking up at the ultra sound I saw this dark foreboding lump and I nearly lost it. All these cancer thoughts came flooding back into my mind and it was all I could do to not vomit on the floor right then and there. Of course the Ultra sound tech had no idea what it was or at least she wasn't going to tell us if she did. She said she'd show the pictures to the doctor and he'd be in to talk to us in a few minutes. Turns out the doc was doing a procedure and he'd have to get back to us so we left.

The next morning I had to leave for L.A. They had fired half my team at work the week before and although I had made the cut I didn't want to push my luck and miss too much work. Brian had an appointment for later that afternoon to get the results from the doc but I couldn't wait I had to get on the road if I wanted to make it home before midnight. Leaving that morning was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I was so scared for Brian and every part of me wanted to stay there and take care of him and be with my family but I knew I had to get back here to take care of business.

I said goodbye to my Mom first since she had to head to the Republican headquarters. Then I told my dad goodbye who I hugged and cried for a good three minutes. Last but not least Brian walked me out to the car where he held me while I cried some more. Then I got in the car and dove off. Brian watched me until I disappeared around the corner and I waved as long as I could.

I had to stop and get some gas and put some air in my tires before I could actually get on the road and I think I'm glad I did. Gave me a minute to gather myself before I got on the road. As soon as I got back in the car I put on the Katamari Damacy soundtrack. It's super bubbly Japanese pop music that is nearly impossible to be sad while listening to. The first leg of my trek was one of the most difficult as it was going over a pass in the mountains so I didn't want to be a complete mess.

I was trying my best to not think about Brian's Doctors appointment but I couldn't help it. I just wanted it to hurry up and be over so Brian could tell me everything was OK or if it wasn't that I could at least know what was going on. But hours went by and no one called me and finally I couldn't take it anymore so I called my mom.

As it turns out Brian and my Dad had set in the waiting room for 2 hours just waiting to see the doctor so that's what was taking them so long. They were finally able to tell us that yes in fact it was a really pissed off, really swollen lymph node that was under Brian's arm. What bothers me is they don't know what's causing the swelling. There doesn't appear to be any injury or infection which normally causes swelling of this kind.

This kind of scared me all over again. I couldn't help but think if they don't know what's causing it, it must be cancer. Thankfully I've done some research online and any type of cancer involving lymph nodes comes on very slowly and isn't painful. Being that Brian's lump blew up practically over night and that it is so incredibly painful it is very unlikely to be the big C. Yes, I know that's pretty much what the doc said from the start but I guess I just needed to find that out for myself.

Since the Doctor doesn't know what's causing the swollen lymph node he's basically having Brian wait 2 weeks to see if it will start to heal itself and if it still hasn't gotten any better they're going to do a biopsy. I'm just hoping and praying that it gets better soon cause biopsies are pretty painful from what I here and I'd just like to know he's going to be ok.