I want

I’ve been spending a lot of time, meditating on my life lately and I can’t help but wonder how I ended up where I am. Ok, that’s not entirely true. I do know exactly how I ended up where I am but I don’t know why it took me so long to get some perspective. There is nothing exactly wrong with my life. In fact all things considered, my life is good. I have a husband that loves me very much and is faithful to me. I have an amazing family and friends that support and love me. I have a job and a place to live and I’m certainly not starving. I have a few nice things and I’ve lived a good life. But with each passing day I keep feeling more and more like something is missing. I feel myself tugging at the seams on this reality I have built around me and wondering what it would be like on the other side of the fence.

For a while I thought maybe I was suffering from a bad case of, “The grass is greener,” but I have to tell you I think it’s more than that. I think there is something missing, a void that needs filling and I’m not sure exactly what to fill it with. I know part of my distress is being back in the valley. While it’s always great to be back here at first, but after a while it starts to crawl around under my skin and I have to get it out. I have to escape before it wraps his tendrils around my throat.

There are so many things I want to do and I suddenly feel like I’m running out of time to do them. I want to travel and see the world. I want to learn a new language. I want to sing in a band again and play shows. I want to get more tattoos. I want to be amazing at yoga and teach it. I want to own my own business. I want to learn how to surf. I want to make love under the stars somewhere warm and exotic. I want to plant a garden and watch it grow. I want a dog to call my own. We’d play on the beach and he’d bring me driftwood sticks. I want to make a movie about vampires. I want to write a book about a girl like me. I want ride all the best roller coasters. I want to swim with whales. I want to ride a motorcycle. I want to go on safari.

I want all these things and I want them tomorrow. Sometime I think tomorrow will never come…