Brian has switched to working evenings for the time being. Yesterday was his first evening shift. He got home around 10pm last night and told me he’d finally had a chance to get caught up on my blog. He said we both want really different things out of life and that it’s a little scary. I wanted to cry. Not because I was sad but almost out of relief that he, at least seemed, to understand how I’ve been feeling. We sat and talked for quite a while. He kept telling me I should go to sleep but it was the best “us” conversation we’d had in a long time and I didn’t want to end it. I told him no matter what happens, I would always love him and he looked at me like I had one foot out the door already. I didn’t mean it like that when I said it, but I can’t honestly say there aren’t days where I want to run away.

Up until now, our relationship has been relatively easy. In the beginning and through the first few years of our marriage, I wanted nothing more than to please him. If he was happy, I was happy. Brian wanted me with him all the time and we were rarely apart from one another. We both loved all the same stuff so he was easy company to keep and I know the feeling was mutual. We both enjoy Video games, comic books, movies, star wars, roller coasters, etc. We’re best friends, even though Brian hates to admit it. It’s odd really, Brian often seems less than thrilled to admit I am a integral part of his life. I don’t know if I’ve ever understood why. I imagine it’s some sort of emotional safety net. You know like if he doesn’t say it, it’s not true. Or maybe he thinks if I knew how important I was to him, it would give me some sort of power over him. Who knows?

In the past year our relationship has sailed into dangerous waters. For the first time ever, things aren’t just coming natural. We aren’t both seeing the same goal and heading towards it together. We’re standing at a crossroads, holding hands, but looking in different directions. A big piece of Brian wants to stay here in the valley. As much as I want to want to feel the same, I don’t share that desire at all. Brian seems willing to come to Portland with me in a compromise of sorts but says he’s afraid Portland won’t be enough for me. I think it will be but I worry that when I reunite with my old friends who have almost all relocated there, it might be too much for Brian to handle.

I Love Brian so much. There is no one in the world I care more for. I wish I could just make everything ok again. I wish I didn’t feel like this was all my fault.