Hole in my Chest (lyrics I think)

There’s a little hole in my chest,
And I need you to fill it
I don’t care what you use
There’s some glue in the cabinet

There’s a space in my heart,
And it shouldn’t be open
It’s spilling all over
It’s becoming a habit

You are all I need,
You hold the keys
I’d give you a ring,
If it matted but it don’t

There’s a lock on my lips,
And I need you to break it,
I don’t care what comes out
These secrets are tearing at me

There’s a knot in my stomach
And it seems to be growing,
It’s doubling me over
It’s getting worse and worse

You’re all I need
You hold all the keys
I’d give you a ring
If it mattered but it don’t

Baby

This morning I had a message from my friend Dylan on facebook. She lives in San Diego and I don’t get to see her much but she is one awesome chica and I am always happy to hear from her. She tells me that she and her husband are going to have a baby! She is 16 weeks along and couldn’t be happier. When I read her message I gasped, literally gasped, out loud. I was just so excited and thrilled for her. After I gasped and did my own personal happy dance it dawned on me that I had never been this elated to learn that anyone was pregnant before. Why was I so excited for Dylan?

I think Part of it is that she is about the 1st of my friends to get pregnant that is happily married (for several years now), at least somewhat financially ready for a baby and she planned it. It was just perfect. The way babies are supposed to be made. The 2nd part is I am so envious of her I can hardly believe it. I’m ready to be a mom. I want my own little monkey. I’m about 6 months away from 30, I’ve been married for 7 years. It’s my turn damn it!

Ok, yes, my marriage has been a little rocky for the past year and no Brian (my husband) isn’t working right now so the timing isn’t exactly perfect but Brian has been growing as a person in leaps and bounds lately and I’m really very proud of the man he is becoming. I feel closer to him than I have in a long time and it feels good, real good. I have very few doubts about Brian as a father. He has a kind heart and kids love him. I know it’s not the same but he treats our kitties like they’re his babies (you know with snuggles and kisses) I can only imagine how adorable and sweet he’d be with a real baby.

I know I’ve said in the past that I wanted to wait until I was 32 to have kids but that was mostly because that was about the same time my mom had me. I’ve spent a lot of my adult life trying to model what I do after what my mom did and it hasn’t always been the best thing for me. I really think it’s time I took a step in my own direction and started living my own life.

I are poet

I love you. I whisper
drunk on nostalgic wine
but the words sound antiquated
we’ve run out of time.

Lay with me, hold me
Let me feel your touch
My hands are cold
My lips are lonely
I’ve already lost so much

If I fall, will you catch me
If I cry, will you wipe my tears
If I go, will you miss me
Or will our love just disappear

Stuff and Things

I was just realizing I have once again let far too much time pass in between blog updates. We’re most of the way moved into our new place now. Our living room is really starting to look like a living room. The kitchen is a little smaller than I initially realized but it’s all put together now and very cute if I do say so myself.
I think this may be our cats’ favorite place so far. We have this really great open staircase that has quickly become a giant kitty jungle gym. I’m just hoping they don’t end up falling off the back side and crashing into our shelves below.
The area it’s self is adorable. We have a pub right next door that is open late with delicious food and very reasonable prices. We can walk to it and any number of cute little restaurants in the area. We’ve got a beautiful, national park right across the street from us. I haven’t had a chance to really check it out yet but I’m hoping we’ll get to take lots of nice hikes there soon.

Home Sweet Home

So we found a place. It’s not ours’ just yet. We’ve put in an application but we’re sort of in limbo. They want us to move in right away but we’d really rather wait until the end of the month. They’ve agreed to hold our application until we’re ready to move in or someone else wants to put in an application. If someone else wants to put in an app (and move in right away) then they will call us and give us the option to move in or pass on the apartment.

The nice thing is that there are actually 2 nearly identical apartments available so if someone takes the 1st one we can still hold out for the 2nd one. One apartment is slightly more expensive than the other as it apparently has brand new, stain resistant carpet. Either way they are both in our price range. I like them both about the same. The nice thing about the less expensive one is it’s on the end so we’d only have neighbors on one side.

I had such a good time looking at apartments with Brian last weekend. When we need to get something done we really make a great team. We stayed out a little late on Friday and slept in a little late on Saturday so we didn’t get a whole lot of apartment hunting done on Sat. We mostly did some drive-bys and set up some appointments to look at places on Sunday. Sunday we got up at a fairly decent hour, picked out some of our favorite places and headed out. We drove out to Milwaukie and looked at a really cute place that was just a little too small and only had one bathroom.

I’ve really gotten to be spoiled having my own bathroom to get ready in the morning. The next place we looked at was in Oregon city. The area was cute but the duplex was also a little small and smelled a lot like dog. It was a big fat no. After that we went to a place in Happy Valley. It was actually very cute and just big enough to fit us. It’s really close to my work so I think both Brian and I were starting to think it might be the one but we still had a few more we wanted to check out.

I had found one place on craigslist that I really liked. I had even driven by it the week before but I hadn’t been able to get a hold of anyone. I had called and left them a voice mail on both Saturday and Sunday and was beginning to fear that it had already been rented. As we got in the car in happy valley at 3:40 my elusive apartment called and asked if we could come over right away and check out the place. I was so excited I could hardly contain myself.

We drove to West Linn to meet them. The cutest little Portland Hipster couple pulled up in a little red Honda Insight and got out. He was very nice and she was just sweet as can be. (personally I think she looked like Mandy Moore). We walked up to the apartment and I was sure after a day of disappointment that this would be another. The apartment complex was small and old (built in 1950) but at the same time very cute and funky.

I kept thinking they could be awesome little town houses but only if someone had taking good care of the inside. When we walked in I could hardly contain myself. The carpets looked brand new. The windows also appeared to be new and there was a brand new deck built out back. The living room was just the perfect size to fit our giant TV and the kitchen was open to the living room so I could watch TV while I cooked. The upstairs bedrooms were certainly big enough and well I could go on and on. Sure, the whole place could be just a little bigger but I think it’ll fit us just fine.

Plans

It’s funny how life can catch you off guard. The last year of my life has been one failed mission after another. Every time I think I see the path I stumble and find myself completely lost again. When I was 21 and engaged to marry my husband I thought I had it all planned out. We were gonna go here and do this and go there and do that and when we were done, we’d be this. It doesn’t seem that long ago but at the same time I feel worlds away from that girl. It seems ridicules now to have assumed I could draw a line from point A to point B and have it all turn out just as I planned.

About this time last year we were getting ready to leave Los Angeles for southern Oregon. At the time Brian and I were living in different states and he had a health scare that had left me so desperate to get to his side that I didn’t have time to think about how truly devastated I was to be leaving L.A. Now I know my heart broke when I left that city. I loved it there more than I had every really admitted to myself. I made friends there like I hadn’t had in years and I miss them so much it chokes me up if I think about it for too long. As much drama as it could be I LOVED my job in L.A. I loved working downtown Hollywood right on Sunset Blvd. I loved driving by all the studios on my way home from work and then catching a glimpse of a coyote as I cut through Griffith Park. I was happy and successful and proud.

Returning to Oregon and ultimately taking a job as an Administrative assistant The hardest realization for me to deal with was the fact that I was and still am very angry with my husband for well letting me down. I feel like I have given him everything. Like my life for the past 7 years was devoted to making his dreams come true and now that those dreams have lost their momentum I feel betrayed. I feel like I’ve let all my dreams fall by the wayside and now I don’t even know who I am anymore. I find myself doing desperate, crazy things to feel like a whole person again.

On my dark days I feel like my husband and I are doomed. I think how could he possible understand how I feel. I think he’ll never understand me and doesn’t really know me anymore. But then I have days where I think about our wedding. I remember holding hands, looking in each other’s eyes, both of us singing Come What May at the top of our lungs. If you were there I’m sure you remember. I’ll never forget as the song finished I turned to the crowd to see my bridesmaids all choked up. It totally caught me off guard. I’d forgotten for a moment that there was anyone else in the world but the two of us. Maybe that was a long time ago and things have changed but every now and then we’ll hop in the car and Brian will put in that Moulin Rouge soundtrack and we’ll sing it together just like we did that day and it still feels the same.

When you’re 21 I think logically you know how complicated and cruel life can be but you’re still fooling yourself into believing that you’re in control of it all. I heard once the best way to make God laugh is to tell him your plans.

Not so soft

I haven’t done a lot of blogging lately. I couldn’t tell you exactly why. I’ve certainly had enough on my mind. I’ve been in Portland for about 4 months now. I’ll be coming up on my 90 day review at work here in just a few weeks. I’m excited to be nearly through my probationary period. I hope to soon really feel like I’m part of the team. I like my co-workers quite a bit. Della is hilarious. She’s all kinds of boisterous and moderately inappropriate. I like her a lot. Nancy is also pretty kick ass. She’s a real New Yorker and has no problem using the word fuck. And then there’s Brandy. Um, well she cool or whatever I guess.

As great as the girls are I sure do miss my LARS crew. Truth be told I’ve never worked with such an awesome crowd of misfits as I did at LARS and I think of them every day. Sometimes I really do wish I could go back to L.A.

Brian and I have been living on opposite ends of the state for these past 4 months. We’re stuck in our lease down there and Brian chose to stay with the apartment instead of coming up here to stay at my sister’s with me. A very small part of me understands but I mostly feel abandoned. This is probably where Brian would say that I was the one that abandoned him but really, did I have any other option? I had to get up here so I could find a job and take care of us.

This weekend Brian is coming up so we can apartment hunt. Our lease is up at the end of this month. As it’s been taking me up to hour to get to work sometimes I am ecstatic to be moving to the east side. Also I just like it better over here. I love my sister but I can’t wait to have my own kitchen and a big comfy couch to curl up on and watch my tv. I’m hoping Brian and I can have a fresh start here. We’re a bit of a mess sometimes but I love him a lot.