For those of you that don't know my husband (Brian) is in Oregon for an undetermined amount of time. He just wasn't finding any work here in L.A and he had some opportunities come up in Oregon so I told him to go ahead and head up there and see how it goes. He's been gone for 3 weeks now and I miss him terribly. But I was doing ok up until this past weekend.

He called me last week and told me he had a weird lump that hurt something awful under his arm. I didn't think much of it at the time. Told him it was probably a cyst and not to worry. I said take some anti inflammatories and put some ice on it.

Well as the week progressed it got bigger and bigger and hurt more and more so I told him I thought he should really go get it checked out but Brian didn't want to go to the doctor because he doesn't have any insurance. Well finally Saturday my mom took him down to the clinic and the Doctor didn't really know what it was. He said because it hurt so badly and had grown so quickly chances are it's nothing but it is a lump and it is in his armpit so there is always a chance that it's something more. He wanted Brian to get some more tests but it was just way too expensive without health insurance so Brian went home to try and get some.

He'll have insurance with his new job in 90 days but if it doesn't go away on it's own in the next two weeks the doctor thinks it might be a good idea to have it removed. Although we're pretty sure it's nothing just the fact that there is a chance that it's something more put my stomach in knots. I've been running though these worst case scenarios in my head all weekend, dangerously close to tears at all times. I think I'e already thrown up twice. I probably wouldn't be this way if it weren't for Steve.

An X-boyfriend of mine and brother of one of my best friends passed away suddenly of cancer in 2001 when he was only 22. We were dating when he got the diagnosis. I remember him going to the doctor for a pain in his shoulder and suddenly it was cancer. When he told me on the phone he kept saying he was fucked and I told him no, you're not going to die. Everything is going to be ok. I thought he's so young and strong, he'll beat it for sure.

He broke up with me very shortly after that. He had called his X-girlfriend Teddy (short for Theadora) that he was still very much in love with and she was traveling from across the country to be with him. I was heartbroken at the time but I understood. Unfortunately when Steve's X returned to his life she was pretty jealous of the relationship He and I'd had and made it pretty clear that she didn't want me anywhere near Steve so I didn't see him much after that. Everything happened so fast. Steve had a very rare, very aggressive cancer and it spread so quickly there was nothing anyone could do. By winter it was in his Brain and a little more than a year after his diagnosis he was gone.

I had been with Brian maybe a week when I got the phone call. Of course the last person in the world I would have wanted to deliver me the news told me flat out over the phone. "Steve died last night. " I still remember dropping the phone and not being able to breath.

I had loved Steve so very much and there were so many things that I had wanted to tell him and I never did for fear of causing any tension between him and Teddy. I regret very little in life but feeling that I never told Steve how much I loved him eats at me sometimes. I still remember the last time I saw him alive. I had been at Amanda's house (His sister) visiting and as I was walking out the door he came out of his room and saw me. He called my name and I don't think I even turned around. I just shut the door behind me.

I can' t tell you how many times I've wanted to go back to that moment. I'd have turned around and thrown my arms around him and told him one last time how very much he meant to me.