Strange Dream

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant but not very far along. I started having these really awful stomach pains so I went to the doctor and they we're like, the baby is coming, so they unzipped my stomach (yeah, dreams are weird) and pulled out this tiny, tiny baby.

Almost immediately they started trying to discharge me from the hospital and I was kind of in a panic because no one knew I was there and I had lost my cell phone. I didn't know how I was going to get home with my new baby. I didn't even have a car seat.

So I wrapped the baby up in a blanket and started wandering around the parking lot looking for my car. I saw a target across the street and I thought, Yes! I'll run over there and buy a car seat. And then I started thinking about how no one even knew I was pregnant and I don't have any baby stuff at all so I'd need to buy everything.

Target turns out to be a mirage. I keep walking towards it but I never get any closer. All the while my baby is being rather fussy. I can't blame her. We've been walking forever with and she's in this crappy blanket. So I finally gave up and decided to just go back to my car and take my baby home but it was too late. I was completely lost.

Now I'm in a panic as I have nothing for my baby with me and it's getting later and later and I just don't know what to do. Finally, my mom shows up with my sister and her X-husband. Someone had told them I had gone to the hospital and so they had come to see if I was ok.

They drove me home and I realized that my baby hadn't eaten anything all day. So I started trying to breast feed her and the baby latched right on. As soon as it did the baby started growing like magic. It grew and grew until it turned into about an 8 year old boy.

I stared down at him in disbelief. Suddenly he sat up, hopped out of my lap and asked if he could go play outside. I was so confused. I asked him what happened to my baby and he said that he was really sorry but that my baby had died in the hospital and that he had felt so bad for me that he had decided to pretend to be my baby. I guess he was some kind of magic forest creature or something that could shape shift. (oh dreams)

Anyway, my Mom came in just then and said, I'm sorry honey, it's true. And she handed me a medical file explaining how my baby had expired. I was so upset I did't know what to do. I curled up in a ball and just cried. The little boy came over and tried to comfort me and told me he'd continue to pretend to be my baby if I wanted. I thanked him for being so thoughtful but told him no thank you.

Then I woke up.

To Whomever it was who felt the need to create an anonymous facebook just to send my husband a link to my blog.
A. He already knows about my blog. I figured it was only a matter of time before he read it.
2. Mind your own fucking business.
3. Seriously?

How is it I always end up here when I'm sad? I'm never here blogging elated stories of victory. I only find myself here when I am in desperate need of solace.

My marriage is falling apart, faster than I know what to do with and the hard truth is I don't think there is anything I can do. Not without loosing myself. Not without giving up so much of me that I don't recognize myself anymore.

I love my husband dearly but I fear love is not enough. Not anymore. I have given so much of myself to try and make things work and gotten so little in return that I am growing ever bitter.

It's not that my husband is a bad man. In truth he is kind and loving. But I think a marriage should be more than that. We should lift each other up and take care of each other. Find strength in one another.

But I find no strength in my husband. When I am low his eyes are pools of despair and I sink in them. Down ever deeper.

In my heart I see the way I want my life to be. I see all the things I want to do and all the adventures I want to have and when I try to picture my husband there with me all I can think is how much he doesn't want any of these things. How none of these dreams are his.

I want to scream because I while I know he could be amazing, I watch him take 2nd place over and over again because he's too scared to fight for 1st. I just can't watch it anymore. It turns my stomach and leaves me angry and so very disappointed.

And the worst part is I know that I'm going to break his heart into a million pieces if I go and the thought of hurting him is almost more than I can bare. But in the meantime I cut out little pieces of myself and try and use them as bandages on the holes in our marriage. And every piece I cut feels like a valley in the middle of my soul. No empty. so alone.

Last night Nori Spect of the Break Neck Betties had her gear stolen from her car! Everything is gone, skates, pads, uniform etc. Nori is currently on unemployment and cannot afford the cost of replacing all of her gear. Please chip in what you can to help her get back on her skates!

Sometimes I think my heart is delicate because I made it that way. Sometimes I think I wished for a life of unrequited love and heartache and the universe gave it to me. Sometimes I think I need it to be broken. I need the edges jagged. I need the seems torn.

If it's too pretty. If it's too perfect. It turns to ash in my mouth. And even when it's sour I'm not happy. I see greener pastures over every fence.

I seethe envy for a lie. I morn for a love that never was. A daydream that never existed. I fire that never burned.

But I'm tired of writing sad songs. I'm weary of my melody of woe. I want to feel the sunshine on my skin. I want to light a beacon in my heart. I want to tell you I'm alive now. I want you to know the winter's gone.

Fresh Meat

So a few months back, you may remember me talking about trying out for the Rose City Roller's Fresh Meat program. Basically if you want to play competitive roller derby in Portland, OR you try out and if you make it they put you on Fresh Meat which is a group of girls they teach how to play derby and if you make it through their training program, eventually you'll get on one of their 4 local teams.

I tried out back in December and didn't make it but I've been working hard and when try outs came back around this month, I was ready. What I wasn't ready for was how much they would change the format for try-outs.

This time they decided to up the ante and instead of a slow pace line and some basic knee falls we did the equivalent of a full, two hour Fresh meat practice. They started us out with the 50 Lap killer. That's a 50 lap pace line around the outside of the track in usually about 15 minutes or less and we each had to sprint one lap. I have asthma and sprinting is not my friend but I hung in until the very end.

After the 50LK I was exhausted and realizing we weren't even half way done was a little scary. They followed up the 50LK with holding derby stance for 30 seconds (basically a squat on skates) then sprinting 3 laps, then another 30 seconds of derby stance followed by 4 sprint laps and so on. I believe the next thing we did was falls. one whistle, left knee fall, 2 whistles, right knee fall, 3 whistles, both knees.

It doesn't sound hard but falling and getting back up and falling and getting back up over and over again is possibly even more exhausting than the 50lk. It some point the fall drill had gone on for so long and I was so tired I just thought to myself, you know I don't even care if I make it to FM or not anymore but I'm going to make it to the end of this if it kills me.

Next we did different stopping drills. Then we did some really fast weaving pace line drills. I actually had to stop and use my inhaler for those. After that we lined up for our last set of drills and I looked around and realized that of the 28 girls that started only 12 of us were left.

We did a jump, weave and stop drill and then a bunch of pack drills where we speed up fast as a pack, weave and then slow down. and stop on a dime together.

That was the last drill. They told us they would be calling us shortly to let us know if we made it or not. A bunch of the girls were going to Buffalo Gap to wait for their calls but I'd done that last time and I didn't want to do it again. I planned to just go home and wait for my call and cry all by myself if the news were bad.

Before I could even get out of the parking lot Nori called me to tell me I'd made it. Nori Spekt aka Kara would have been my derby wife but Cherry purposed to her before I had a chance. So now I just like to say she's my derby soulmate. I jumped out of my car and ran to give her a big happy, tearful hug. I made it. I can't believe it but it's true.

Tonight will be my 9th FM practice. It's hard. Really hard and exhausting and challenging and well, just about the most amazing thing I've ever done.

EE Cummings - i carry your heart

EE Cummings - i carry your heart

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)