To Whomever it was who felt the need to create an anonymous facebook just to send my husband a link to my blog.
A. He already knows about my blog. I figured it was only a matter of time before he read it.
2. Mind your own fucking business.
3. Seriously?

How is it I always end up here when I'm sad? I'm never here blogging elated stories of victory. I only find myself here when I am in desperate need of solace.

My marriage is falling apart, faster than I know what to do with and the hard truth is I don't think there is anything I can do. Not without loosing myself. Not without giving up so much of me that I don't recognize myself anymore.

I love my husband dearly but I fear love is not enough. Not anymore. I have given so much of myself to try and make things work and gotten so little in return that I am growing ever bitter.

It's not that my husband is a bad man. In truth he is kind and loving. But I think a marriage should be more than that. We should lift each other up and take care of each other. Find strength in one another.

But I find no strength in my husband. When I am low his eyes are pools of despair and I sink in them. Down ever deeper.

In my heart I see the way I want my life to be. I see all the things I want to do and all the adventures I want to have and when I try to picture my husband there with me all I can think is how much he doesn't want any of these things. How none of these dreams are his.

I want to scream because I while I know he could be amazing, I watch him take 2nd place over and over again because he's too scared to fight for 1st. I just can't watch it anymore. It turns my stomach and leaves me angry and so very disappointed.

And the worst part is I know that I'm going to break his heart into a million pieces if I go and the thought of hurting him is almost more than I can bare. But in the meantime I cut out little pieces of myself and try and use them as bandages on the holes in our marriage. And every piece I cut feels like a valley in the middle of my soul. No empty. so alone.

Last night Nori Spect of the Break Neck Betties had her gear stolen from her car! Everything is gone, skates, pads, uniform etc. Nori is currently on unemployment and cannot afford the cost of replacing all of her gear. Please chip in what you can to help her get back on her skates!

Sometimes I think my heart is delicate because I made it that way. Sometimes I think I wished for a life of unrequited love and heartache and the universe gave it to me. Sometimes I think I need it to be broken. I need the edges jagged. I need the seems torn.

If it's too pretty. If it's too perfect. It turns to ash in my mouth. And even when it's sour I'm not happy. I see greener pastures over every fence.

I seethe envy for a lie. I morn for a love that never was. A daydream that never existed. I fire that never burned.

But I'm tired of writing sad songs. I'm weary of my melody of woe. I want to feel the sunshine on my skin. I want to light a beacon in my heart. I want to tell you I'm alive now. I want you to know the winter's gone.

Fresh Meat

So a few months back, you may remember me talking about trying out for the Rose City Roller's Fresh Meat program. Basically if you want to play competitive roller derby in Portland, OR you try out and if you make it they put you on Fresh Meat which is a group of girls they teach how to play derby and if you make it through their training program, eventually you'll get on one of their 4 local teams.

I tried out back in December and didn't make it but I've been working hard and when try outs came back around this month, I was ready. What I wasn't ready for was how much they would change the format for try-outs.

This time they decided to up the ante and instead of a slow pace line and some basic knee falls we did the equivalent of a full, two hour Fresh meat practice. They started us out with the 50 Lap killer. That's a 50 lap pace line around the outside of the track in usually about 15 minutes or less and we each had to sprint one lap. I have asthma and sprinting is not my friend but I hung in until the very end.

After the 50LK I was exhausted and realizing we weren't even half way done was a little scary. They followed up the 50LK with holding derby stance for 30 seconds (basically a squat on skates) then sprinting 3 laps, then another 30 seconds of derby stance followed by 4 sprint laps and so on. I believe the next thing we did was falls. one whistle, left knee fall, 2 whistles, right knee fall, 3 whistles, both knees.

It doesn't sound hard but falling and getting back up and falling and getting back up over and over again is possibly even more exhausting than the 50lk. It some point the fall drill had gone on for so long and I was so tired I just thought to myself, you know I don't even care if I make it to FM or not anymore but I'm going to make it to the end of this if it kills me.

Next we did different stopping drills. Then we did some really fast weaving pace line drills. I actually had to stop and use my inhaler for those. After that we lined up for our last set of drills and I looked around and realized that of the 28 girls that started only 12 of us were left.

We did a jump, weave and stop drill and then a bunch of pack drills where we speed up fast as a pack, weave and then slow down. and stop on a dime together.

That was the last drill. They told us they would be calling us shortly to let us know if we made it or not. A bunch of the girls were going to Buffalo Gap to wait for their calls but I'd done that last time and I didn't want to do it again. I planned to just go home and wait for my call and cry all by myself if the news were bad.

Before I could even get out of the parking lot Nori called me to tell me I'd made it. Nori Spekt aka Kara would have been my derby wife but Cherry purposed to her before I had a chance. So now I just like to say she's my derby soulmate. I jumped out of my car and ran to give her a big happy, tearful hug. I made it. I can't believe it but it's true.

Tonight will be my 9th FM practice. It's hard. Really hard and exhausting and challenging and well, just about the most amazing thing I've ever done.

EE Cummings - i carry your heart

EE Cummings - i carry your heart

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Broken Hearts

When I was a little girl I had the best Daddy in the world. He was kind and loving and would always greet my sister and I with great big bear hugs. There was nothing he wouldn't do for us, in fact he could hardly stand to tell us no. It was a good time in my life.

My Dad has never taken particularly good care of himself. When I was little he smoked a lot and he had stomach ulcers that eventually perforated and nearly killed him, landing him in the hospital for weeks. I was probably 7 or 8. It was hard to understand the gravity of the situation at that age but I remember my mother being very concerned and making sure both my sister and I gave him big hugs and kisses before he went into surgery. After that he quit smoking and his health improved quite a bit.

Later, when I was a freshman in high school, my dad got depressed and picked up an ugly drinking habit. Honestly it's a much longer more complicated story than that but we'll save that for another day

I'm not sure I've ever gotten all the details but I know we 1st realized he really had a problem when he drank too much and ended up in the hospital. While he was there they had to put a tube down his throat which some intern fucked up and tore up his esophagus. Then they wouldn't give him any pain medication for it because he was an alcoholic.

I don't really like to talk about this period of time in my life as it pertains to my relationship with my father. It was a dark time and if you've ever studied psychology in regards to family dynamics, I was very much the black-sheep/scapegoat. Our family focused not on my fathers addiction but instead on my acting out. I was the "bad kid" and if there was anything wrong with my family it was my wild and unmanageable behavior.

I remember one time my dad came home drunk and found me and a few of my friends there, hanging out. He flew into a rage and threw them and me out of the house in the middle of a snow storm. I had pneumonia at the time. Honestly, I don't think he really meant to throw me out but when he came in screaming to, "get the fuck out," I didn't stop to ask who he was referring to.

Everything came to head when I was 18 and my father's drinking got so bad that my mother moved out and my father drank so much that he actually ruptured an artery in his stomach and nearly bled out. I remember going to the hospital and saying goodbye to my father, in case he didn't make it out of surgery. The prognosis was not good. Then mom and I went to the house to clean up. There was blood everywhere...

After that my dad quit drinking and I packed a bag and hitch-hiked to Colorado with my gutter-punk boyfriend. Colorado was a learning experience, to say the least. We were homeless for a while, literally camping by a creek and squatting in old houses when we could. Then we got jobs and were in weekly motels for while before finally getting a tiny, rundown studio apartment.

My boyfriend was a lot older than me and a possessive drunk ta boot. I knew it was time to go when one night we were hanging out at the bar we both worked at and he had a few too many, grabbed me by the throat and started screaming at me in front of all of our friends. They threw him out of the bar. He was so drunk he couldn't understand why I wasn't the one being evicted as it was obviously my fault he had behaved in such a way.

About that time my mother called me to tell me that my father had been diagnosed with congestive heart failure and was very, very sick. She bought me a bus ticket and I went back to Oregon.

Dad actually did ok after that. He somewhat followed the doctors orders and his heart got stronger and stronger. But he was diagnosed with diabetes and Peripheral Neuropathy. Peripheral neuropathy is a condition causeed by diabetes that means the nerves don't work properly. There may be damage to a single nerve. It may be damage to a nerve group. It may also affect nerves in the whole body. Mostly Dad is in a lot of pain a lot of the time and the doctors have him on some pretty powerful pain killers.

After my parents house burned down last summer, my Dad's health took a turn for the worse. His congestive heart failure had returned and this time they said it wasn't going to heal on it's own. The doctors tried to get him to put in stints but my dad refused. He said that surgery killed his brother (25 years ago) and he wasn't going to do it. I tried to tell my dad that it's 2011 and the heart stint procedure now has less than a 1% fatality rate but he wouldn't listen.

Now Dad's heart has gotten even worse and the doctors want to to a tipple bypass. It sounds really scary but I've done some research and it actually has very good survival odds now. It's something in the market of a 2% fatality rate.

My Dad is in his early 70's. If he has this surgery he could live another 15-20 years or more but he's told the doctor he won't do it. When my Mother told me that my Dad had simply decided to do nothing, I could hardly believe it. It's like he's telling us he's giving up. And maybe that's ok with him but how selfish and unfair to the rest of us. Sure, he'll be dead. He won't have to worry about it but I have to watch my mother and my sister heartbroken. And knowing that there is something that he could do but is literally choosing not to. I just don't understand how he could do this to us.

I've forgiven my Dad for all the bullshit he's put us though over the years but this is just too much. I want my children to have a grandfather. I want my mom to have that beautiful 50th wedding anniversary she's always wanted. I'm just not ready to loose him and here he is, tossing in the towel. It's just not fair. Just not fair.