Lost

I think living in the Rogue Valley does something to my head. There is something in the air that makes me a little bit more crazy than normal. I walk around and I start to remember what it was like to be someone completely different from who I am now. Sometimes I miss that person, her inability to be held down, her bravery, her tomfoolery and, her sexual prowess. I don’t miss her co-dependency, her need to please other people, her willingness to settle.
I start to feel these things creep back into me when I’m here. If feels good but foreign and I find myself confused. Who am I? Who was I? Who will I become? The people I love in my life now are not the same as when I was here before. They all stand out like pinpoints of light and I wonder if I’m lost or found….

Green Porno

This is awesome. I think I like the snails best. Sadomasochism excites me!

Cookie

I love my husband, for a multitude of reasons. He's handsome, smart, funny, and sexy. He keeps me in stitches most of the time. He's a good kisser and when we make love it's almost always sweet and tender. And when it's not, it's steamy as hell.

I tell him all the time, so I assume that he knows, that I love him more than life itself. I'm not one of those people that feels like they should only tell their loved ones how much they mean to them on special occasions. I think life is very short and you never know when the last time you'll see someone will be, so I want them to know right now that they are loved and treasured.

I realize my last blog was all about my first love and how no one could ever make me feel like he did. One might think that I was insinuating that my husband did not bring me all the same joy. This is not the case. Unlike Zack and his ability to proclaim our love from the mountaintops, Brian's love is a quiet one. It is a love that is sometimes hard for me to see clearly because he doesn't like to shout. He wants me to see love in his actions and not his words and I do.

While Zack will always have a piece of my heart as my first love, The rest belongs to Brian. I believe without a doubt that Brian is my soul mate, if there is such a thing. He also makes me feel like no one has ever made me feel before but in his own way. Brian feels like coming home. He feels like a warm fire and movie on a cold and rainy day. He feels like family and he is.

We've been married for 6 and a half years. Prior to Brian, about the longest any relationship of mine seemed to last was about a year. After about a year with any boy, if he hadn't broken up with me I was probably bored to tears. I've never gotten tired of Brian. I'm always excited to see what's next.

I'm probably embarrassing him with my rant of love but I really do think the world of him. He's my cookie, my Lobster, my everything. I just don't know what I'd do without him.

Young love

When I was 15 years old I fell madly in love with a boy named Zack. The funny thing was, it was almost an accident. I’d been head over heels, crazy for this other boy Tom, who liked me a lot, but not enough to pick me. Tom was the boy that all the girls wanted. He was tall and handsome with charisma coming out of his ears and it just so happened that he was one of my very best friends. So, when he and his girlfriend broke up at the end of our freshman year, I was sure I had the best shot at being the next, future Mrs. Tom.
At the start of the summer, Tom and I were inseparable. We ran all over town doing all sorts of silly things together. One night we made out in his parents camper. I remember kissing Tom felt like kissing a rock star. I thought for sure we’d be going steady any day. Less than a week later, Tom met Julie and the rest is history. At 15, it’s really hard to know when to cut your losses so despite the fact that all signs pointed to “Tom picked Julie,” I was still on a mission to make him mine. In the mean time, I started spending a lot of time with this adorable and very sweet boy named Zack.
Zack came over nearly every day and brought me presents and other silly knick-knacks to make me smile. Maybe it was the fact that I was completely clueless to his advances that made me so attractive to him. Who knows. I still feel like such a fool that it took me so long to realize. If Tom was the hottest guy in school, Zack was easily a close 2nd. In fact Zack is probably even better looking than Tom but, especially when we were 15, he was much more reserved. Although no one in my group of friends would have participated in such a thing, Tom was akin to the captain of the football team while Zack was more of the quiet, sexy, artist type.
One day Zack spent the night at my house and it was all very platonic, at first. We we’re up late talking and we both just happened to pass out on my bed. I woke up in the middle of the night and it was like a light bulb went off in my head. I remember we were both lying there, facing each other, sort of pretending to be asleep. I’m not sure who started it but suddenly we were kissing and I was in heaven.
Zack made me feel like no boy had ever made me feel before and none have since. It was like I was the only girl in the world and, without a doubt, the most important person in his. Every morning when I’d arrive at school, he’d see me across the campus parking lot, tear of his backpack, his coat, his hat, and run at me at full speed. As soon as he reached me he lift me into the air and twirl me around and hug me. We were perfect. He was perfect.
Zack and I dated for 6 maybe 7 months. For sophomores, that’s a pretty decent amount of time. He was, without a doubt, my first love. I wish I’d been smarter then. Maybe I wouldn’t have smothered him to death with my love and jealousy, but I was 15 and stupid and when we broke up I was beyond devastated. In fact it was the only time in my life that I ever, even for a second, considered suicide. I know it sounds crazy now, but at the time I thought my soul mate had left me forever and that I was doomed to die alone.
He broke up with me in my favorite graveyard. It was very old and the Headstones were all crumbling and covered in moss. I used to love to go there by myself and write in my journal. I’d scribble down poems and other lovely phrase I found on graves. I remember just sobbing as he told me he just wanted to be alone for a while and that he could see us getting back together in a few years, when he was ready for something more serious. I don’t know if he was trying to appease me or he really meant it but it was cruel to say such things. I walked away thinking everything would be alright. We’d both just spend some time alone and then he’s realizes how much he missed me and he’d come back.
Within a week, Zack had a new girlfriend. I know he didn’t plan it that way but that’s what happened. I was enraged. I felt completely lied to and betrayed. I remember walking by the happy couple on my way to class, just as he was bending down to kiss her. I don’t know what came over me but as I passed I reached out and, just as their lips met, push the back of her head, slamming their faces together.
Amazingly, Zack and I are still good friends. After about a year of loving him and then hating him and then loving him again, we managed to be friends again. To this day I don’t think I’ve had such highs and such lows with one person. Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t want Zack back. I’ve married the man of my dreams for 6 years and I am very happy. It’s just every once in a while, I miss how passionate and unbridled love is when you’re young and foolish.

Blogs

Blogs.
They are a dangerous thing really. You feel so safe just blathering away and you forget you’re actually talking to the whole world. I wish I could code my blog so that the exact people I wanted to, could read the exact sections I wanted them to read and skip all the stuff I didn’t want them to know. I have all these thoughts floating around in my head but I don’t want the world to hear. I’m probably even crazier than they thought. I want advice from people who will tell me the right thing for me to do and not just what I should do. I know I’m not making much sense here. I just know I’m feeling a little lost and I wish I knew what I wanted. I feel like cutting myself down the middle.
I’ve been home (in southern Oregon) for 3 months now. It’s beautiful, breathtakingly so. But I can’t shake the feeling, creeping under my skin like bugs, that I’m trapped here. I feel like a fox caught in a trap. No, not quite. More like a wild horse and someone has slowly been building a fence around my field and suddenly I’ve realized I can’t get out. The pieces went up so slowly I completely missed them walling up my last escape route.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I can’t just sit still and enjoy the safety of my fenced yard. From the outside it looks so inviting. No wolves could ever penetrate these boarders. The people I love are all here. They like to brush my tail and feed my carrots. (Maybe I’ve gone too far with this analogy). I’m just scared that one day that gate will open and I won’t be able to take it anymore. I’ll rip my reins right out of their hand and bolt. I won’t care who I’ve trampled until it’s too late.

Catch up and the worst week ever

As I was catching up on my friend's blog posts today I realized 2 thing. One, I hadn't blogged myself in a month. Two, I miss my friend Peter even more than I thought possible.

Anyway, so Brian gave me some vicodin this morning for my cramps and it was some pretty strong stuff so if my writing is a Little extra loopy this morning you'll know why.

I guess I can't really say this was the worst week ever as no one died, but it did suck pretty effing bad.

Monday I got my very first speeding ticket. Yes, that's right. Never before in my life had I ever been ticketed for speeding. My record is broken. And no I don't drive like a grandma or anything I love to drive fast but A, I drive a doge neon and they just don't go that fast and 2, I'm pretty conscious when I'm driving about where the cops normally hang out and where you can and can't speed. This ticket was really rather dumb. I was trying to get over 2 lanes, from the far right to the far left, so I could get onto the freeway. No one was letting me in and I saw a gap up a head so i gunned it for the gap. Of course in the process of this I flew by a cop who pulled me over. All I could think was this would never have happened in L.A.

Tuesday I got passed over for promotion. This job that I have now is well, way below where I'm at professionally but for the valley the pay wasn't bad and there seemed to be ample opportunity to promote and well I just really needed a job, any job, so I took it. Then a few weeks ago the sales assistant quit, leaving a perfect job opening for me. I mentioned to my boss that I was interested and she told me they were considering it and I was sure it would be mine...but that was before things started going downhill at work.

A few weeks ago by boss basically told me that I had a problem following instructions, that I didn't pay attention to detail, etc. I was stunned. I've never been anywhere that didn't think I did a great job. Usually I get in trouble because I've got a mouth on me, not because of poor job performance. What made it even worse was that the examples she would give of my mistakes just didn't seem like that big of a deal to me. I started trying really hard to make everything perfect. I found myself so nervous that I was going to miss something on a task she'd given me that I was near tears and sick to my stomach. But I kept trying and things seemed to be going better when Tuesday rolled around and they hired some other girl for the sales assistant position.

I wasn't surprised since according to my boss I wasn't doing a very good job at my job but it stung all the same. So that same afternoon I ran down to the Co-op to get my boss some lunch and when I came back I'd realized I'd forgotten her sparkling water. She never orders a drink, ever (well unless it's a latte) so somewhere on my freezing walk to the store and back I totally forgot.

When I got back without said bubble water and she asked me where it was and I said oh shoot I'm so sorry I forgot. She called me a ding bat. I think she was trying to be funny. She's is British and all and those crazy Limeys don't make a whole hell of a lot of sense most of the time but when she said it she might as well have slapped me across the face. I was just stunned.

I made it through the rest of my day but as I slid into my car at the and of the day and started the ignition I could feel my lip start to quiver and before I was a mile down the road I was in tears. My feelings were just so hurt. It wasn't a pretty cry either. It was an ugly, sobbing, balling, cry and I couldn't stop. I cried all the way to Central Point, where I was meeting Brian. I even had to sit in the car for a few minutes to compose myself before I went in and I know I must have looked a mess. Then he hugged me and took me to Olive Garden. I love him.

Wednesday and Thursday were both just kind of blah. The worst part of Thursday was my mom telling how bad my father's most recent Doctors appointment went and that if he doesn't start taking better care of himself well...you know.

Friday morning I woke up feeling like crap and I knew I'd be starting my period any minute. At least now I knew in part why I'd been so emotional this week. It had snowed a lot of Friday and normally I love the snow but yesterday all I could think about was how it was going to make me late for work and how it was cold and wet and I didn't want any part of it. I must have been a huge grump on Friday as no one wanted to talk to me and I don't blame them. Then I accidental inverted the last two digits on a phone number I have given my boss to call and she sort of went off on me via IM. (we don't actually talk at work, we just IM each other) and I was sure she was going to fire me, despite the fact that I immediately produced the correct phone number. But then of course 10 minute later she comes out of her office smiling at me as she taps on my desk and walks by. I think I'm going to get an ulcer.

Evening at teh folks

I was over at my parent’s house last night. This is quickly becoming a Monday ritual. Brian plays video games with Curtis on Mondays and I head over to my parents house for wine, dinner, doggie and chats with mom and dad too if he’s feeling up to it. I love spending time with my folks. One of the reasons I moved back to Oregon was to be closer to my family but, it’s really easy to just get into the grind and not see them for weeks. I’m trying to not let that happen.
First up on last night’s agenda, Mom’s computer. So mom got a new computer a few months ago and of course the damn thing is running Vista. What a pile of crap. Ok, to be honest it’s really not that bad but they’ve put everything in an ever so slightly different place which makes it a pain in the ass to find anything in a hurry. To top it off mom, while not computer illiterate, has very little patience for technology that isn’t running as fast as she’d like.
This computer combined with my mother is a bit of a nightmare. I’m constantly trying to fix it or help her with some crazy Photoshop project she’s gotten herself suckered into. She really doesn’t do too bad on her own most of the time, so long as everything is working. It’s when she encounters a hurdle and starts messing with things that it all goes downhill. Last night we spent a good hour making flyers for the republican women’s group. The problem was the lady that made them last year had saved her flyer as a PDF and we were having a bitch of a time trying to edit or recreate it. In the end I think it came out alright.
We decided to get a Papa Murphy’s take n bake pizza for dinner. I hadn’t had one of those in ages as Brian is not a big fan of the place. I think maybe they had too many of them growing up. It was yummy but a little soggy so we had to toss it back in the over for a bit. It went great with my wine. One thing I love about my parents is the always have at least 4 different wines to choose from. Yum, yum!
We played with Bond a bunch as well. He’s my parents little Boston/Pug mix they got a few weeks ago. He’s so damn cute and, my goodness what a ham. Everywhere we go people have to pet him, ask about him, even if they don’t make it obvious you can see them checking him out. I mean he’s a neat looking dog. Oh and he just loves to be in your lap, well really his favorite thing is to lean back against your stomach, and have you wrap your arms around him, like you might hold a young child, and he’ll look backwards at you and make little grunty, piggy noises. I just want to squeeze him till he pops. Unfortunately for me I’m allergic to dogs so when I leave my parent house I have hives on my face anywhere I let the dog touch me. It’s hard to avoid when he loves to snuggle up under your chin. It really doesn’t bother me all that much. I just try and remember not to touch my eyes and the hives go away in about 20 minutes or so.
While snuggling with Bond on my parents couch we were watching animal planet which I’m generally not allowed to watch at night during the week. The reason for this is a little show called animal cops. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen it but it’s about the most depressing thing ever. It’s not unlike the show cops but instead of laughing at a bunch of idiot criminals and what have you, your horrified over and over again as they go into homes to rescue abused animals, often in truly horrific condition.
Last night they rescued these two horses. They were both in pretty bad shape but one of them, my god. He looked like a skeleton. It was amazing that it was even still alive. They spent the whole show trying to nurse it back to health but in the end they had to put him down. It was awful. On the upside, the other horse that was rescued pulled through and was adopted by a good family and of course they show you the whole six months later video with him happily prancing through a field. Amazingly, I managed not to cry. However the next show I was not so lucky. It wasn’t even a sad show. It was just a silly dog show that highlight’s 2 or three different breeds of dogs each episode and talks about their pros and cons and whether or not they’d make a good pet for you.
This week’s episode, first up, German Shepherds. Well, of course we just lost our German Shepherd, Wickette a few weeks ago so we were already sad just looking at shepherds but what really twisted the knife was that they highlighted a black German shepherd that look almost just like her accept for his brown front paws. And then they went on to tell a story about how the owner of the dog had lost his last shepherd dog in what sounded to be the exact way we lost wickette. Needless to say, mom and I were in tears. I managed to pull myself together but as soon as I got in the car to drive home it I felt a wave of sadness just wash over me. I cried for the next 10 miles.