Young love

When I was 15 years old I fell madly in love with a boy named Zack. The funny thing was, it was almost an accident. I’d been head over heels, crazy for this other boy Tom, who liked me a lot, but not enough to pick me. Tom was the boy that all the girls wanted. He was tall and handsome with charisma coming out of his ears and it just so happened that he was one of my very best friends. So, when he and his girlfriend broke up at the end of our freshman year, I was sure I had the best shot at being the next, future Mrs. Tom.
At the start of the summer, Tom and I were inseparable. We ran all over town doing all sorts of silly things together. One night we made out in his parents camper. I remember kissing Tom felt like kissing a rock star. I thought for sure we’d be going steady any day. Less than a week later, Tom met Julie and the rest is history. At 15, it’s really hard to know when to cut your losses so despite the fact that all signs pointed to “Tom picked Julie,” I was still on a mission to make him mine. In the mean time, I started spending a lot of time with this adorable and very sweet boy named Zack.
Zack came over nearly every day and brought me presents and other silly knick-knacks to make me smile. Maybe it was the fact that I was completely clueless to his advances that made me so attractive to him. Who knows. I still feel like such a fool that it took me so long to realize. If Tom was the hottest guy in school, Zack was easily a close 2nd. In fact Zack is probably even better looking than Tom but, especially when we were 15, he was much more reserved. Although no one in my group of friends would have participated in such a thing, Tom was akin to the captain of the football team while Zack was more of the quiet, sexy, artist type.
One day Zack spent the night at my house and it was all very platonic, at first. We we’re up late talking and we both just happened to pass out on my bed. I woke up in the middle of the night and it was like a light bulb went off in my head. I remember we were both lying there, facing each other, sort of pretending to be asleep. I’m not sure who started it but suddenly we were kissing and I was in heaven.
Zack made me feel like no boy had ever made me feel before and none have since. It was like I was the only girl in the world and, without a doubt, the most important person in his. Every morning when I’d arrive at school, he’d see me across the campus parking lot, tear of his backpack, his coat, his hat, and run at me at full speed. As soon as he reached me he lift me into the air and twirl me around and hug me. We were perfect. He was perfect.
Zack and I dated for 6 maybe 7 months. For sophomores, that’s a pretty decent amount of time. He was, without a doubt, my first love. I wish I’d been smarter then. Maybe I wouldn’t have smothered him to death with my love and jealousy, but I was 15 and stupid and when we broke up I was beyond devastated. In fact it was the only time in my life that I ever, even for a second, considered suicide. I know it sounds crazy now, but at the time I thought my soul mate had left me forever and that I was doomed to die alone.
He broke up with me in my favorite graveyard. It was very old and the Headstones were all crumbling and covered in moss. I used to love to go there by myself and write in my journal. I’d scribble down poems and other lovely phrase I found on graves. I remember just sobbing as he told me he just wanted to be alone for a while and that he could see us getting back together in a few years, when he was ready for something more serious. I don’t know if he was trying to appease me or he really meant it but it was cruel to say such things. I walked away thinking everything would be alright. We’d both just spend some time alone and then he’s realizes how much he missed me and he’d come back.
Within a week, Zack had a new girlfriend. I know he didn’t plan it that way but that’s what happened. I was enraged. I felt completely lied to and betrayed. I remember walking by the happy couple on my way to class, just as he was bending down to kiss her. I don’t know what came over me but as I passed I reached out and, just as their lips met, push the back of her head, slamming their faces together.
Amazingly, Zack and I are still good friends. After about a year of loving him and then hating him and then loving him again, we managed to be friends again. To this day I don’t think I’ve had such highs and such lows with one person. Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t want Zack back. I’ve married the man of my dreams for 6 years and I am very happy. It’s just every once in a while, I miss how passionate and unbridled love is when you’re young and foolish.

Blogs

Blogs.
They are a dangerous thing really. You feel so safe just blathering away and you forget you’re actually talking to the whole world. I wish I could code my blog so that the exact people I wanted to, could read the exact sections I wanted them to read and skip all the stuff I didn’t want them to know. I have all these thoughts floating around in my head but I don’t want the world to hear. I’m probably even crazier than they thought. I want advice from people who will tell me the right thing for me to do and not just what I should do. I know I’m not making much sense here. I just know I’m feeling a little lost and I wish I knew what I wanted. I feel like cutting myself down the middle.
I’ve been home (in southern Oregon) for 3 months now. It’s beautiful, breathtakingly so. But I can’t shake the feeling, creeping under my skin like bugs, that I’m trapped here. I feel like a fox caught in a trap. No, not quite. More like a wild horse and someone has slowly been building a fence around my field and suddenly I’ve realized I can’t get out. The pieces went up so slowly I completely missed them walling up my last escape route.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I can’t just sit still and enjoy the safety of my fenced yard. From the outside it looks so inviting. No wolves could ever penetrate these boarders. The people I love are all here. They like to brush my tail and feed my carrots. (Maybe I’ve gone too far with this analogy). I’m just scared that one day that gate will open and I won’t be able to take it anymore. I’ll rip my reins right out of their hand and bolt. I won’t care who I’ve trampled until it’s too late.

Catch up and the worst week ever

As I was catching up on my friend's blog posts today I realized 2 thing. One, I hadn't blogged myself in a month. Two, I miss my friend Peter even more than I thought possible.

Anyway, so Brian gave me some vicodin this morning for my cramps and it was some pretty strong stuff so if my writing is a Little extra loopy this morning you'll know why.

I guess I can't really say this was the worst week ever as no one died, but it did suck pretty effing bad.

Monday I got my very first speeding ticket. Yes, that's right. Never before in my life had I ever been ticketed for speeding. My record is broken. And no I don't drive like a grandma or anything I love to drive fast but A, I drive a doge neon and they just don't go that fast and 2, I'm pretty conscious when I'm driving about where the cops normally hang out and where you can and can't speed. This ticket was really rather dumb. I was trying to get over 2 lanes, from the far right to the far left, so I could get onto the freeway. No one was letting me in and I saw a gap up a head so i gunned it for the gap. Of course in the process of this I flew by a cop who pulled me over. All I could think was this would never have happened in L.A.

Tuesday I got passed over for promotion. This job that I have now is well, way below where I'm at professionally but for the valley the pay wasn't bad and there seemed to be ample opportunity to promote and well I just really needed a job, any job, so I took it. Then a few weeks ago the sales assistant quit, leaving a perfect job opening for me. I mentioned to my boss that I was interested and she told me they were considering it and I was sure it would be mine...but that was before things started going downhill at work.

A few weeks ago by boss basically told me that I had a problem following instructions, that I didn't pay attention to detail, etc. I was stunned. I've never been anywhere that didn't think I did a great job. Usually I get in trouble because I've got a mouth on me, not because of poor job performance. What made it even worse was that the examples she would give of my mistakes just didn't seem like that big of a deal to me. I started trying really hard to make everything perfect. I found myself so nervous that I was going to miss something on a task she'd given me that I was near tears and sick to my stomach. But I kept trying and things seemed to be going better when Tuesday rolled around and they hired some other girl for the sales assistant position.

I wasn't surprised since according to my boss I wasn't doing a very good job at my job but it stung all the same. So that same afternoon I ran down to the Co-op to get my boss some lunch and when I came back I'd realized I'd forgotten her sparkling water. She never orders a drink, ever (well unless it's a latte) so somewhere on my freezing walk to the store and back I totally forgot.

When I got back without said bubble water and she asked me where it was and I said oh shoot I'm so sorry I forgot. She called me a ding bat. I think she was trying to be funny. She's is British and all and those crazy Limeys don't make a whole hell of a lot of sense most of the time but when she said it she might as well have slapped me across the face. I was just stunned.

I made it through the rest of my day but as I slid into my car at the and of the day and started the ignition I could feel my lip start to quiver and before I was a mile down the road I was in tears. My feelings were just so hurt. It wasn't a pretty cry either. It was an ugly, sobbing, balling, cry and I couldn't stop. I cried all the way to Central Point, where I was meeting Brian. I even had to sit in the car for a few minutes to compose myself before I went in and I know I must have looked a mess. Then he hugged me and took me to Olive Garden. I love him.

Wednesday and Thursday were both just kind of blah. The worst part of Thursday was my mom telling how bad my father's most recent Doctors appointment went and that if he doesn't start taking better care of himself well...you know.

Friday morning I woke up feeling like crap and I knew I'd be starting my period any minute. At least now I knew in part why I'd been so emotional this week. It had snowed a lot of Friday and normally I love the snow but yesterday all I could think about was how it was going to make me late for work and how it was cold and wet and I didn't want any part of it. I must have been a huge grump on Friday as no one wanted to talk to me and I don't blame them. Then I accidental inverted the last two digits on a phone number I have given my boss to call and she sort of went off on me via IM. (we don't actually talk at work, we just IM each other) and I was sure she was going to fire me, despite the fact that I immediately produced the correct phone number. But then of course 10 minute later she comes out of her office smiling at me as she taps on my desk and walks by. I think I'm going to get an ulcer.

Evening at teh folks

I was over at my parent’s house last night. This is quickly becoming a Monday ritual. Brian plays video games with Curtis on Mondays and I head over to my parents house for wine, dinner, doggie and chats with mom and dad too if he’s feeling up to it. I love spending time with my folks. One of the reasons I moved back to Oregon was to be closer to my family but, it’s really easy to just get into the grind and not see them for weeks. I’m trying to not let that happen.
First up on last night’s agenda, Mom’s computer. So mom got a new computer a few months ago and of course the damn thing is running Vista. What a pile of crap. Ok, to be honest it’s really not that bad but they’ve put everything in an ever so slightly different place which makes it a pain in the ass to find anything in a hurry. To top it off mom, while not computer illiterate, has very little patience for technology that isn’t running as fast as she’d like.
This computer combined with my mother is a bit of a nightmare. I’m constantly trying to fix it or help her with some crazy Photoshop project she’s gotten herself suckered into. She really doesn’t do too bad on her own most of the time, so long as everything is working. It’s when she encounters a hurdle and starts messing with things that it all goes downhill. Last night we spent a good hour making flyers for the republican women’s group. The problem was the lady that made them last year had saved her flyer as a PDF and we were having a bitch of a time trying to edit or recreate it. In the end I think it came out alright.
We decided to get a Papa Murphy’s take n bake pizza for dinner. I hadn’t had one of those in ages as Brian is not a big fan of the place. I think maybe they had too many of them growing up. It was yummy but a little soggy so we had to toss it back in the over for a bit. It went great with my wine. One thing I love about my parents is the always have at least 4 different wines to choose from. Yum, yum!
We played with Bond a bunch as well. He’s my parents little Boston/Pug mix they got a few weeks ago. He’s so damn cute and, my goodness what a ham. Everywhere we go people have to pet him, ask about him, even if they don’t make it obvious you can see them checking him out. I mean he’s a neat looking dog. Oh and he just loves to be in your lap, well really his favorite thing is to lean back against your stomach, and have you wrap your arms around him, like you might hold a young child, and he’ll look backwards at you and make little grunty, piggy noises. I just want to squeeze him till he pops. Unfortunately for me I’m allergic to dogs so when I leave my parent house I have hives on my face anywhere I let the dog touch me. It’s hard to avoid when he loves to snuggle up under your chin. It really doesn’t bother me all that much. I just try and remember not to touch my eyes and the hives go away in about 20 minutes or so.
While snuggling with Bond on my parents couch we were watching animal planet which I’m generally not allowed to watch at night during the week. The reason for this is a little show called animal cops. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen it but it’s about the most depressing thing ever. It’s not unlike the show cops but instead of laughing at a bunch of idiot criminals and what have you, your horrified over and over again as they go into homes to rescue abused animals, often in truly horrific condition.
Last night they rescued these two horses. They were both in pretty bad shape but one of them, my god. He looked like a skeleton. It was amazing that it was even still alive. They spent the whole show trying to nurse it back to health but in the end they had to put him down. It was awful. On the upside, the other horse that was rescued pulled through and was adopted by a good family and of course they show you the whole six months later video with him happily prancing through a field. Amazingly, I managed not to cry. However the next show I was not so lucky. It wasn’t even a sad show. It was just a silly dog show that highlight’s 2 or three different breeds of dogs each episode and talks about their pros and cons and whether or not they’d make a good pet for you.
This week’s episode, first up, German Shepherds. Well, of course we just lost our German Shepherd, Wickette a few weeks ago so we were already sad just looking at shepherds but what really twisted the knife was that they highlighted a black German shepherd that look almost just like her accept for his brown front paws. And then they went on to tell a story about how the owner of the dog had lost his last shepherd dog in what sounded to be the exact way we lost wickette. Needless to say, mom and I were in tears. I managed to pull myself together but as soon as I got in the car to drive home it I felt a wave of sadness just wash over me. I cried for the next 10 miles.

Christmas time is here...

It’s been a rough year and things didn’t really go as planned, but I’m looking forward to next year with hope and optimism. This time last year we were excited about 2008. We were moving into a great new apartment and everything seemed possible. I had no idea Brian was about to quit his job and my job was about to go downhill. We would soon be flying into a downward spiral of empty bank accounts, shitty jobs, Medical mysteries and bills, bills, bills, all ending with the return to the Rogue Valley.
I think Brian thinks I hate it here but that’s far from it. I love being close to my family. I love the snow and just having seasons again is fantastic. I love waking up next to Brian in our Beautiful apartment that we never could have afforded in L.A. I love the mountains and the forests and the creek and all the beautiful landscape of southern Oregon.
My job is ok. I mean the people here are fantastic and what I do all day is fine it’s just hard being on the bottom again. I’ve spent the past four years working hard at being an Admissions rep. Even when I wasn’t one I was trying hard to become one. When I was offered the position as a REP at LARS I was on cloud 9. I figured I was finally set. I was on my career path. I could grow old and retire there or at least learn enough about Admissions that if I ever left I’d be sure to find another School to call my home.
Now I’ve gone from being the Number 2 rep at a prestigious school in L.A. to an Administrative assistant. Like I said before there is nothing wrong with the job it’s just such a step backwards sometimes it’s a little painful. But again I’m very optimistic for 2009. I think there is a lot of potential to grow with this company and if I do well where I am, I’m sure I’ll be back on top before long.
Brian’s health situation is still dragging on. I’m not nearly as scared as I once was, now that we know what it is. I’m just well, we’re both just so ready for this to be over and to put it behind us. You can read all the details in his blog, but long story short, the surgeon we were referred to has decided to take his sweet ass time in removing Brian’s benign tumor. We we’re hoping when he went in on the 19th that they would be removing it but instead the doctor wants to run some more tests (that we probably can’t afford) and do the procedure in an O.R. (more money out the window) and it’s not going to happen until after the first of the year. We know he’s just trying to be thorough but for Pete’s sake we just want that damn thing out of him already.
Christmas was very different this year. Normally it’s a struggle trying to balance out Christmas time with Brian’s family and our family. Perhaps it’s because we no longer live thousands of miles away, but this year Brian’s family seemed to take a step back. We really weren’t sure what they were doing so we ended up spending the whole day with my family instead.
I was super bummed my sister couldn’t make it down from Portland. The weather has been a little extra nasty this season and she just wasn’t up to braving the drive. Barring more bad weather, she might come down for New Years. I hope so. I haven’t seen her in over a year.
So minus one sister, we had an excellent family Christmas. Brian and I drove over to my parent’s house on Christmas Eve, stopping briefly to wish the Bartlett’s a Merry Christmas. Curtis Bartlett and Brian pretty much grew up together and his family is like our extended family. Curtis’s folks, Bill and Debbie, have always seemed to care for Brian more like a son than a family friend. I’ve always thought it was very sweet and they’ve always been so welcoming to me. They’re good people, to say the least.
So anyway, got to my folks around 9pm where I found my mother in tears exclaiming that she was canceling Christmas. She’s been working long hours at Harry and David for the past few months and I think she was just feeling completely unprepared and over whelmed by Christmas. I can’t say I blame her. I think my sister’s decision to not come down was like a nail in the coffin and mom was suddenly a wreck. I told her we had come all the way from eagle point with all our crap and we weren’t going home so she was stuck with us. I gave her big hugs and helped her clean, wrapped up some packages and passed out. Sadly I can’t stay up much past midnight so I completely collapsed around 12:30am. I guess Brian and Mom stayed up until 3am playing vids and wrapping presents. Needless to say we were not up at the crack of dawn to open presents.
I think I crawled out of bed around 10am or so and drug myself down the hall to the kitchen for some coffee. Mom was already there with a fresh cup just for me. Brian got up shortly thereafter and last but not least dad made his way to the living room for presents and pastries.
Christmas Eve, before we headed over to my folks, Brian and I had already opened our presents to each other. I really hadn’t planned on getting him anything since we’re so damn broke but then he told me he’d gotten me a little something so I thought I better find him something as well. I’d actually been thinking about getting him this little shiatsu massager for a while now. He get’s these awful headaches and a neck rub often seems to be about the only thing that will help him. Unfortunately my fingers get tired after a while so the shiatsu seemed the perfect solution. What I didn’t realize is Brian had secretly gone all out for me for Christmas.
When we sat down to exchange presents, Brian goes to the stockings we’d hung by our fire place and brings one to me, stuffed full of Christmas goodies. I felt just awful as I didn’t get any stocking stuffers for him this year. Then he hands me a package that contains Kingdom Hearts 2, which I’ve been wanting for ages. So I get all blubbery and start covering him with kisses which is when he informs me that there’s more. He brings me yet another package. I couldn’t believe it. He got me an iPod. Not just any iPod mind you but the 120gig iPod classic complete with video.
This is fantastic for a multitude of reasons. I’ve never had an iPod of my very own. Brian and I had purchased one to share a few years ago but it predictably became Brian’s iPod pretty much the moment we opened it. I’ve been asking for an iPod of my very own ever since.
So I’m sitting there, feeling just awful that Brian has masterfully orchestrated a magical Christmas for me and all I got him was a lousy back massage. But of course this is when he reminds me that this is really not the norm. Most of the time when it comes to holidays I am the one that goes all out and Brian is the one left feeling like crap that I out did him. He reminded me of my birthday this past year and how I’d been begging for an iPod and he hadn’t actually gotten me anything. So this year, Christmas goes to Brian. He gets to be the big gift giving winner and I get to be the one doted upon. I guess I can let him win, just this once.
Oh so back to Christmas at my folks. After we passed out a few presents and had some pastries mom and I decided to go for a drive in Big Red aka the Excursion w/ Bond aka the dog. We actually had a white Christmas this year which, while not unusually for southern Oregon, is never a guarantee. So we bundled up, hopped in the car and headed out to the lake to take a gander at the beautiful, snow covered countryside. Bond sat in my lap, taking it all in while mom and I looked for side roads for her to show off her 4 wheel drive. It was a blast.
When we got back I spent a few hours trying to get my folks computer running a little better. I’ll just tell you they’re running Vista and leave it at that. Then I helped Mom cook a delicious meal of Cornish game hens, mashed potatos, green bean casserole, fresh made rolls, and cranberry-jello salad. It was fantastic. I ate until I could eat no more.
After dinner we headed home, watched “It’s Christmas Charlie Brown,” a few episodes of House and then it was off to bed. Then of course I had to get up and come to work this morning. Brian’s got a paid day off today, lucky Duck. Oh well, at least it’s Friday.

lol

Snow

It's snowing. I can't tell you how long it's been since I've watched it snow and truly, it's amazing. If you've never seen it, it's hard to really appreciate the magic of it. Snow doesn't rush to earth like rain at least not most of the time. It gently floats to earth, like a billion tiny feathers. out my window, it's like a beautiful moving painting. The snow softly falling into the icy creek and laying itself in a blanket accrosss the Old Mill Roof. And it's so quiet.