Distance

So I'm back in L.A again. For those who don't know last Thursday I drove up to Oregon to vist my sick husband and family. I spent most of my time there just being near Brian. He still has the giant swollen lump under his arm.

I actually went to the doctor with him on Tuesday for an ultra sound. While sitting in the exam room looking up at the ultra sound I saw this dark foreboding lump and I nearly lost it. All these cancer thoughts came flooding back into my mind and it was all I could do to not vomit on the floor right then and there. Of course the Ultra sound tech had no idea what it was or at least she wasn't going to tell us if she did. She said she'd show the pictures to the doctor and he'd be in to talk to us in a few minutes. Turns out the doc was doing a procedure and he'd have to get back to us so we left.

The next morning I had to leave for L.A. They had fired half my team at work the week before and although I had made the cut I didn't want to push my luck and miss too much work. Brian had an appointment for later that afternoon to get the results from the doc but I couldn't wait I had to get on the road if I wanted to make it home before midnight. Leaving that morning was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I was so scared for Brian and every part of me wanted to stay there and take care of him and be with my family but I knew I had to get back here to take care of business.

I said goodbye to my Mom first since she had to head to the Republican headquarters. Then I told my dad goodbye who I hugged and cried for a good three minutes. Last but not least Brian walked me out to the car where he held me while I cried some more. Then I got in the car and dove off. Brian watched me until I disappeared around the corner and I waved as long as I could.

I had to stop and get some gas and put some air in my tires before I could actually get on the road and I think I'm glad I did. Gave me a minute to gather myself before I got on the road. As soon as I got back in the car I put on the Katamari Damacy soundtrack. It's super bubbly Japanese pop music that is nearly impossible to be sad while listening to. The first leg of my trek was one of the most difficult as it was going over a pass in the mountains so I didn't want to be a complete mess.

I was trying my best to not think about Brian's Doctors appointment but I couldn't help it. I just wanted it to hurry up and be over so Brian could tell me everything was OK or if it wasn't that I could at least know what was going on. But hours went by and no one called me and finally I couldn't take it anymore so I called my mom.

As it turns out Brian and my Dad had set in the waiting room for 2 hours just waiting to see the doctor so that's what was taking them so long. They were finally able to tell us that yes in fact it was a really pissed off, really swollen lymph node that was under Brian's arm. What bothers me is they don't know what's causing the swelling. There doesn't appear to be any injury or infection which normally causes swelling of this kind.

This kind of scared me all over again. I couldn't help but think if they don't know what's causing it, it must be cancer. Thankfully I've done some research online and any type of cancer involving lymph nodes comes on very slowly and isn't painful. Being that Brian's lump blew up practically over night and that it is so incredibly painful it is very unlikely to be the big C. Yes, I know that's pretty much what the doc said from the start but I guess I just needed to find that out for myself.

Since the Doctor doesn't know what's causing the swollen lymph node he's basically having Brian wait 2 weeks to see if it will start to heal itself and if it still hasn't gotten any better they're going to do a biopsy. I'm just hoping and praying that it gets better soon cause biopsies are pretty painful from what I here and I'd just like to know he's going to be ok.